I now know why I felt so far from you. I did it.
Self-inflicted, completely conscious disobedience.
Sin- selfishly choosing away from You to please myself.
But I do not feel pleasure. I'm left alone and disappointed, wondering was that worth chasing after?
To choose sin is to push myself farther from the Perfect You.
To feel the consequences of despair and abandonment.
To become numb to the voice calling me back to You, as I run farther and farther away.
Forget.
Do not remember.
Dive deeper into this grave I've made for myself. Let me suffocate in the earth. Let me waste away besides the rocks and worms. No one will have to bury me after. My tears will water the plants above and I will sleep deep in the darkness.
Good night.
Chosen
My eyes fly open.
Beloved
Oxygen fills my lungs.
Known
I look around the abyss for the source: a small light overhead blinding, but mesmerizing.
Worthy
I find my arms pulling me upwards, past the rocks, worms, roots...higher and higher with my heart quickening and my lungs filling more easily.
I break the surface and feel the warmth of the light.
Daughter, I've been looking for you and calling out your name. Why are you covered in mud when I have determined to make you clean? Remember and never forget how much I love you, how much I delight in you.
I turn around to see the man behind me, running. And even though he is from a long way off, I can hear Him panting, sandals slapping the dirt beneath. I'm thrown off balance as He throws His arms around me and kisses me on the head.
Natalie, you're home
Friday, March 16, 2012
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Rhetorical Questions
Dear Grandpa and Grandma,
How did you do it? How did you pave this road for your family, for your people? How did you stay silent when anger is so justified? What shame did you feel? How did you suffer? How could you not be hurt by the country you belonged to-the only country you knew? How did you lug that one suitcase-everything you could carry?
What if I let you down? What if I mess up everything- everything you worked so hard to achieve? I've gotten good at acting white- adapting the way I act so they wouldn't notice that I'm different, so they think I belong, so they could have a good opinion of us.
But now I'm being told to embrace who I am. Stop adapting, start sharing. They tell me that God made us specifically this way. Asian. But something inside me hurts to think this way. It unravels everything you did!
Would you be proud of me if I were to fully embody being Japanese, Chinese? Would you want me to embrace this culture? Or would you be afraid too? Afraid I'll be rejected or labeled. Afraid people won't love me for who I am. Afraid that it's still too soon.
This summer, a white man asked me how I learned to speak English so well. How did I learn to speak English so well?! My grandparents and great grandma were born here. My family has been here for 120+ years. Both my grandparents fought for this country in WWII. My parents only speak English. I am on avg 3rd generation. I was born here. I grew up here. I've been to China once. Japan zero. I root for USA in the Olympics. I am a natural born American citizen. So how did I learn to speak English so well?...
Maybe wait another 120 more years.
How did you do it? How did you pave this road for your family, for your people? How did you stay silent when anger is so justified? What shame did you feel? How did you suffer? How could you not be hurt by the country you belonged to-the only country you knew? How did you lug that one suitcase-everything you could carry?
What if I let you down? What if I mess up everything- everything you worked so hard to achieve? I've gotten good at acting white- adapting the way I act so they wouldn't notice that I'm different, so they think I belong, so they could have a good opinion of us.
But now I'm being told to embrace who I am. Stop adapting, start sharing. They tell me that God made us specifically this way. Asian. But something inside me hurts to think this way. It unravels everything you did!
Would you be proud of me if I were to fully embody being Japanese, Chinese? Would you want me to embrace this culture? Or would you be afraid too? Afraid I'll be rejected or labeled. Afraid people won't love me for who I am. Afraid that it's still too soon.
This summer, a white man asked me how I learned to speak English so well. How did I learn to speak English so well?! My grandparents and great grandma were born here. My family has been here for 120+ years. Both my grandparents fought for this country in WWII. My parents only speak English. I am on avg 3rd generation. I was born here. I grew up here. I've been to China once. Japan zero. I root for USA in the Olympics. I am a natural born American citizen. So how did I learn to speak English so well?...
Maybe wait another 120 more years.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Date with God
I was looking through my old journal entries and found this lovely piece from April 4, 2011:
Anticipation.
As i get ready to meet you today, I get excited about the prospect of our conversations, Your approving smile, Your loving embrace.
My heartbeat quickens as I imagine You sitting, waiting for me to join You.
What will we talk about today?
What new discoveries will I make about Your character, about Your love for me?
This time is precious to me.
This time is precious to us.
I love talking to You because I don't have to worry about my thoughts and feelings getting lost in the translation. I love how the more I seek You, the more You reveal Yourself to me. No holding back. No fears or insecurities. Complete intimacy.
So let's have the difficult conversations, let me tell You how I really feel. No secrets, no lies, no indirect hints and stabs. Just the truth. Deep breath.
Anticipation.
As i get ready to meet you today, I get excited about the prospect of our conversations, Your approving smile, Your loving embrace.
My heartbeat quickens as I imagine You sitting, waiting for me to join You.
What will we talk about today?
What new discoveries will I make about Your character, about Your love for me?
This time is precious to me.
This time is precious to us.
I love talking to You because I don't have to worry about my thoughts and feelings getting lost in the translation. I love how the more I seek You, the more You reveal Yourself to me. No holding back. No fears or insecurities. Complete intimacy.
So let's have the difficult conversations, let me tell You how I really feel. No secrets, no lies, no indirect hints and stabs. Just the truth. Deep breath.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Chump This!
I am a chump.
(In Luke 10, Jesus sends out these "chumps" or 72 others to carry out His mission in places He intended to go.)
I am a chump. Plain and simple. No special walking on water powers or magical staffs or multiplying fish and loaves. I am just me, with all of my brokenness, insecurities, doubts, failures...If anyone could be called a chump, it would be me: Chumpiest Chump Chumpity. So why does God choose to send chumps (me) not in spite of the chump-like qualities, but because of the chump-like qualities? Because then stuff like tonight's small group could happen.
We expected a similar small group to last week, 9 people willing to give an hour of their time to hang out with us and learn about Jesus. Ha! So dorming started off later than usual, but with more road bumps: Bio test on Friday, Psych test tomorrow, essays, homework, friends...And on top of that a student wanted to use the lounge for a study session. We agreed to go to the basement, where people only visit to do their laundry and maybe risk using that old microwave. But we were determined to still have small group. When it came time to gather people from the lounge to the basement, 1 student followed. One. Ralph and I consisted of more than half the small group! I was disappointed. Ralph was disappointed. We expected big things from God, and one of those was numbers. But we started anyways. I was leading, which means that my stress and anxiety are pretty high already. Eventually 2 more people came, and then the most amazing thing happened. God moved!!!!
I've never had a small group like it. Conversations flowed naturally from every person in the group. I think the longest pause for silence was 3 seconds max. My questions made sense and the students connected it to their lives and experiences. The first observation was even connected to Fidel Castro. Scripture came alive. People were honest and vulnerable. No waiting for OIA or answering questions in order or for that matter at all. It was the most organic small group I've ever been in!
God really changed our expectations for a good small group tonight. It's not about the numbers or the best questions or the perfect order. God can make beautiful and good out of chaos and honesty. I was honest with God right before small group in recognizing my chumpness. It wasn't going to be my abilities or giftings to get us through that small group. It had to be Him. It always is. So tonight I took my own teaching point to heart: In our weakness, God is strong. God is more than enough for all the chumps of the world. ;) And I am proud to be one of them, just as He created. Chump that!
(In Luke 10, Jesus sends out these "chumps" or 72 others to carry out His mission in places He intended to go.)
I am a chump. Plain and simple. No special walking on water powers or magical staffs or multiplying fish and loaves. I am just me, with all of my brokenness, insecurities, doubts, failures...If anyone could be called a chump, it would be me: Chumpiest Chump Chumpity. So why does God choose to send chumps (me) not in spite of the chump-like qualities, but because of the chump-like qualities? Because then stuff like tonight's small group could happen.
We expected a similar small group to last week, 9 people willing to give an hour of their time to hang out with us and learn about Jesus. Ha! So dorming started off later than usual, but with more road bumps: Bio test on Friday, Psych test tomorrow, essays, homework, friends...And on top of that a student wanted to use the lounge for a study session. We agreed to go to the basement, where people only visit to do their laundry and maybe risk using that old microwave. But we were determined to still have small group. When it came time to gather people from the lounge to the basement, 1 student followed. One. Ralph and I consisted of more than half the small group! I was disappointed. Ralph was disappointed. We expected big things from God, and one of those was numbers. But we started anyways. I was leading, which means that my stress and anxiety are pretty high already. Eventually 2 more people came, and then the most amazing thing happened. God moved!!!!
I've never had a small group like it. Conversations flowed naturally from every person in the group. I think the longest pause for silence was 3 seconds max. My questions made sense and the students connected it to their lives and experiences. The first observation was even connected to Fidel Castro. Scripture came alive. People were honest and vulnerable. No waiting for OIA or answering questions in order or for that matter at all. It was the most organic small group I've ever been in!
God really changed our expectations for a good small group tonight. It's not about the numbers or the best questions or the perfect order. God can make beautiful and good out of chaos and honesty. I was honest with God right before small group in recognizing my chumpness. It wasn't going to be my abilities or giftings to get us through that small group. It had to be Him. It always is. So tonight I took my own teaching point to heart: In our weakness, God is strong. God is more than enough for all the chumps of the world. ;) And I am proud to be one of them, just as He created. Chump that!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
StockDip 2011: Reflections on Shalom (or lack there of)
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid my heart will break-
and all these million shattered pieces can't reconnect to see the world I once saw.
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of what I'll discover-
how that will challenge everything I know,
everything I hold onto.
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of leaving this ignorance only to enter into this wrestling-
this seemingly endless struggle.
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that the guilt will be too much-
that the shame would lie to deep-
that the despair will never end.
Quest begin.
As tears wet this page, I realize that the crisis doesn't lie all around me, but within me.
"Don't poke my bubble. Don't push too far. Don't look too deep."
I'm afraid of what you'll discover.
I'm afraid my heart will break-
and all these million shattered pieces can't reconnect to see the world I once saw.
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of what I'll discover-
how that will challenge everything I know,
everything I hold onto.
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of leaving this ignorance only to enter into this wrestling-
this seemingly endless struggle.
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that the guilt will be too much-
that the shame would lie to deep-
that the despair will never end.
Quest begin.
As tears wet this page, I realize that the crisis doesn't lie all around me, but within me.
"Don't poke my bubble. Don't push too far. Don't look too deep."
I'm afraid of what you'll discover.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Temptation: An Alluring False Promise
It seems so good. Everything will be made right if you just give in. No other action could fulfill you like this. You will be happier. Just give in. Don't worry, God will forgive you. It's just this tiny little thing. But it can make a world of difference. You can't stop now.
Those convincing arguments of temptation ring so loudly in my ears that the only escape always seems to be to give in. I know God doesn't want me to, but those other words keep pressing and pressing. I feel like I am in a one-way tunnel, pushed by some invisible force to keep walking closer and closer to the edge, and I can't turn back. Then those whispers of happiness and fulfillment start to make sense and I find myself no longer forced to the edge, but running towards it.
I take that leap of faith, jumping fully off the edge into what looked light the greatest joy I could attain. But the joy turns into a dark abyss. I am no longer in a peaceful place, but a nightmare. Guilt, regret, shame overwhelm my whole being. My heart sinks down, so heavy from the burden of my sins. And I'm trapped.
If God were to stand next to me right now, I would turn my face away in embarrassment. How could I face Him after I have failed? How could I take his grace and forgiveness for granted? Why am I so stupid?! I could study for 5 hours straight and wake up at 4 in the morning everyday. I have discipline and control, but for some reason no matter what I do I keep falling short in this. Why can't I control this?
And then He reminds me. I can't. No amount of will power or self discipline could have gotten me out of temptation. Only God. Only He whose has truly overpowered the darkness could pull me out now. I thought I could regulate my time of watching t.v. and replace it with quiet times and devotionals. I thought I could limit contact with my ex who pulls me closer to lust. I thought that if I could fix these things in my life, then I would be fine. But I can't.
Out of the dark walls of my solitude and shame, I hear a voice (different from before). It doesn't sound like it's trying to convince me to believe, it just exists as truth. And I hear it saying, "I love you."
I love you?...Love me? To love me would be impossible if He knew who I truly was. If He saw how many times I fail and can't control my own body. But I hear it again. "I love you."
And then I remember who I am. I am a child of God. Adopted and not abandoned, despite my brokenness. Relieved and forgiven. Because of His grace and love and truth, He is. Because of His grace and love and truth, I am.
We are not traitors for accepting His forgiveness of our sins. The shame and regret are not from God. They are used as traps to wall ourselves off from God. We don't have to feel the weight of our sin and shame because Jesus already did.
We live in redemption. And even though we all stumble, God doesn't. And He adopts us knowing we are on a journey of transformation and understanding His grace and truth. He knows.
So when we wake up after being scammed by those false promises of temptation, we know there are true promises of forgiveness and life waiting for us. Even more so, we know that the one-way tunnel towards sin does not exist. It was abolished by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He saves us. So let's rely on His strength to get us out of there.
Those convincing arguments of temptation ring so loudly in my ears that the only escape always seems to be to give in. I know God doesn't want me to, but those other words keep pressing and pressing. I feel like I am in a one-way tunnel, pushed by some invisible force to keep walking closer and closer to the edge, and I can't turn back. Then those whispers of happiness and fulfillment start to make sense and I find myself no longer forced to the edge, but running towards it.
I take that leap of faith, jumping fully off the edge into what looked light the greatest joy I could attain. But the joy turns into a dark abyss. I am no longer in a peaceful place, but a nightmare. Guilt, regret, shame overwhelm my whole being. My heart sinks down, so heavy from the burden of my sins. And I'm trapped.
If God were to stand next to me right now, I would turn my face away in embarrassment. How could I face Him after I have failed? How could I take his grace and forgiveness for granted? Why am I so stupid?! I could study for 5 hours straight and wake up at 4 in the morning everyday. I have discipline and control, but for some reason no matter what I do I keep falling short in this. Why can't I control this?
And then He reminds me. I can't. No amount of will power or self discipline could have gotten me out of temptation. Only God. Only He whose has truly overpowered the darkness could pull me out now. I thought I could regulate my time of watching t.v. and replace it with quiet times and devotionals. I thought I could limit contact with my ex who pulls me closer to lust. I thought that if I could fix these things in my life, then I would be fine. But I can't.
Out of the dark walls of my solitude and shame, I hear a voice (different from before). It doesn't sound like it's trying to convince me to believe, it just exists as truth. And I hear it saying, "I love you."
I love you?...Love me? To love me would be impossible if He knew who I truly was. If He saw how many times I fail and can't control my own body. But I hear it again. "I love you."
And then I remember who I am. I am a child of God. Adopted and not abandoned, despite my brokenness. Relieved and forgiven. Because of His grace and love and truth, He is. Because of His grace and love and truth, I am.
We are not traitors for accepting His forgiveness of our sins. The shame and regret are not from God. They are used as traps to wall ourselves off from God. We don't have to feel the weight of our sin and shame because Jesus already did.
We live in redemption. And even though we all stumble, God doesn't. And He adopts us knowing we are on a journey of transformation and understanding His grace and truth. He knows.
So when we wake up after being scammed by those false promises of temptation, we know there are true promises of forgiveness and life waiting for us. Even more so, we know that the one-way tunnel towards sin does not exist. It was abolished by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He saves us. So let's rely on His strength to get us out of there.
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