Preparing for Urbana

1 of 3 voices. I am 1 of 3 Asian voices out of a team of 20- going to be heard and seen through words and movement on stage at Urbana. It is both an honor and a great responsibility.

It wasn’t until a conversation with my mom that I started to realize the weight of this position. When we go to these conferences, we look for people who look like us. Like us.

Because when we see people like us- in front, on stage, speaking, acting, dancing…it means something more. It means we can do likewise. It means we can be heard. It means someone is representing our voice. Giving permission to speak, to externalize what’s inside. It means others feel the same way. It means God knows. God knows and understands us.  

So when Kim, a Vietnamese Candian, and Min-Soo, a Korean Canadian are on stage. They are representing me too, a Japanese and Chinese American. Every time they make people laugh, cry, sing, dance, see God through their art…they are representing us. 

Our voices on center stage at Urbana. 

Epiphany in Repentance

Funny how going through Mark 1 for the 3rd time reminds me of lessons I should have learned the 1st time. I guess it sinks in more when you actually teach something.
So we wrote the definition on the board: repentance means to turn 180 degrees. I knew that the 1st time. But the 2nd year I learned that repentance was more than just being sorry. King Herod tried that but he never fully took the next step of turning. Now today after the 3rd time, I realized that I haven't turned the complete 180 degrees. Somewhere in the middle I got stuck (past the sorry part but not past the despair). I thought I would never learn my lesson if I moved on quickly- that somehow by letting go of this weight of my guilt and shame that I would sin again (as if I could control my desire for holiness by reminding me of my failings).
But God taught me today that to complete the turn (turning away from sin) I must turn towards Him. Jesus doesn't leave us in despair and self-hatred. He ends w/ hope and freedom. I have been denying my hope and freedom because I thought that's what repentance was. No! Confession and repentance have power through Jesus' sacrifice- He rose from the dead to give new life and hope. Repentance is hope.
Complete the turn. Find freedom.

The Day After

I now know why I felt so far from you. I did it.
Self-inflicted, completely conscious disobedience.
Sin- selfishly choosing away from You to please myself.
But I do not feel pleasure. I'm left alone and disappointed, wondering was that worth chasing after?
To choose sin is to push myself farther from the Perfect You.
To feel the consequences of despair and abandonment.
To become numb to the voice calling me back to You, as I run farther and farther away.
Forget.
Do not remember.
Dive deeper into this grave I've made for myself. Let me suffocate in the earth. Let me waste away besides the rocks and worms. No one will have to bury me after. My tears will water the plants above and I will sleep deep in the darkness.
Good night.

Chosen
My eyes fly open.

Beloved
Oxygen fills my lungs.

Known
I look around the abyss for the source: a small light overhead blinding, but mesmerizing.

Worthy
I find my arms pulling me upwards, past the rocks, worms, roots...higher and higher with my heart quickening and my lungs filling more easily.
I break the surface and feel the warmth of the light.

Daughter, I've been looking for you and calling out your name. Why are you covered in mud when I have determined to make you clean? Remember and never forget how much I love you, how much I delight in you. 
I turn around to see the man behind me, running. And even though he is from a long way off, I can hear Him panting, sandals slapping the dirt beneath. I'm thrown off balance as He throws His arms around me and kisses me on the head.

Natalie, you're home