So I woke up this morning very unmotivated. I felt ugly all over...I think it was a result of not getting my work done yesterday, biting my nails, and giving into watching tv. I had committed to fasting from television for a year, but then the call of watching the Bachelorette drew me in. It wasn't even worth it.
There's something about sleep that our family uses to cope with problems we don't want to face. It is a passive way of handling things. Instead of waking up and starting over, I'll just sleep it off. Maybe It'll go away in the morning...but it rarely doesn't.
I finally got out of bed and determined to face what was bugging me, I decided to go on a date w/ God. Now this was going to be full out: nice dress, curled hair, makeup w/ double the mascara, and a nice pesto pasta lunch. I was determined to make my day better by getting dressed up for an exciting event. But something strange happened as I put on the makeup. I didn't feel any more beautiful. Yes, I looked different, but I still was angry at myself...disappointed.
I was reminded of Elijah after he witnessed God's amazing power in 1 Kings 18:16-46. How magnificent and encouraging would it be to be Elijah! God is Lord! But after the threat came upon his life, he ran. He even prayed that he might die. And like our family, he fell asleep. Even after all that he witnessed, Elijah was still a man. And like all humans, we are swayed so easily by our sinful nature.
I think I so desire the freedom that Jesus offers, that I try to fix my problems on my own. I hate this law at work in me that causes me to falter and forget who I am in God. But by trying to FIX my life, I'm taking Jesus' place as Savior. It is not according to my standards that I am saved. And thankfully it is not, because I would not have even spared myself! He saves. I need to get out of the way, so that I can accept God's mercy.
Yes, I repent and ask for forgiveness. But I can't be harder on myself than God is. It is not my place. Funny how false humility is still pride. And pride has no place in God's kingdom.
So I'm going to redo my date with Jesus. I'm going to wear my regular clothes and wash my face. And I'm going to listen and accept his forgiveness...even if it is more than enough.
