For about a year I have been praying for God to reveal the source of my feelings of guilt and shame. It sparked after getting prayer ministry for failing OChem. Looking back, God has preparing me for that answer for such a long time. At SALT, an Intervarsity Christian Fellowship arts conference, I received prayer through movement. It was one of the most personal ways God has spoken to me as a dancer and as His child. I needed that initiation to pursue Jesus on a personal level. From there I received prayer ministry, slowly unveiling the symptoms of my shame. And each time I felt an unburdening of my guilt, but something still lingered.
It wasn't until the past couple of days that God opened my eyes to a source of my shame: my Asian American culture. Honestly, I have never felt "Asian" enough as a third or fourth generation Asian American. I never felt Asian enough, American enough, Chinese enough or Japanese enough. I thought that I didn't deal with Asian American issues because I couldn't even relate to that culture. But God has been changing my perspective completely!
This semester a couple of us attended the APA conference, an Intervarsity Christian Fellowship conference for Asian Americans. One of the speakers mentioned that even though we may be American citizens, our culture is deeply ingrained in who we are. Now my parents don't act like stereotypical Asian American parents. But somehow they still pass down values, traditions, and sins. Just because I felt so distant from my Asian roots, didn't mean I was immune to those issues.
One way that my Asian American culture influenced me was how I related to God. I treated God like my Asian dad. He was to be respected, honored, revered, feared, and never disappointed. If I failed Him in some way, I deserved shame and abandonment. I set up these extreme goals for myself so that I could prevent myself from disappointing Him. I could fail my parents, teachers, friends, but I couldn't fail God. But in setting up these goals and commitments, I was setting myself up for failure. I wasn't allowing disappointment, so when I did mess up, I crashed even harder. And when I crashed, I didn't deserve grace or forgiveness. This explains why I felt so distant from Jesus. If I grew closer to Him, the harder it would hurt when I failed Him.
But those are lies. God revealed four truths to me today:
1. He can't be put in a box (including culturally). He is truth. He is Lord. He goes beyond human culture and made a new kingdom.
2. He has called me beautiful, chosen, and beloved.
3. I will fail and disappoint Him. Nothing I do can prevent me from that. But that's ok-Jesus came to heal the sick and not the healthy.
4. Jesus is grace, mercy, and forgiveness. He paid it all. Nothing can nullify His sacrifice! So I repent and accept.
In my dreams last night the song, In Christ Alone kept playing. I needed that reminder of who Jesus is and who I am in Him. Satan will do everything he can to mess with those four truths. But there is victory! And He invites us into that.
No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
