Her words reminded me of the relationship that I was deeply longing for, one that I had been missing since I came home for the summer. I felt the words in my heart, "I miss You." It wasn't like missing family or a friend or even a boyfriend. It was like missing someone completely connected to oneself and missing myself at the same time. I was missing Jesus.
It's a strange revelation to miss someone who has been present the entire time and one who I still tell people I'm in a relationship with. But over time (only a month) I've been slipping away from Him. Even on this intentional journey to seek Jesus out as my husband, I found myself getting distracted by television, food, family, video games, studies...and justifying my indulgent behavior with "I deserve it". I knew that I was growing apart from Him, but every time I tried to go back I would not "feel" like it. Satan's plan of throwing me back into complacency was working...until God sent me a friend.
I think Hanna's email woke up in me a disgust for the person I was becoming. I hated living a fake life of happiness. I missed my community, joy and purpose, motivation to get up in the morning, sincerity and compassion, tears when someone asked the right question, and just a wanting to read God's word to pursue Him.
So I wrote an apology letter to God, realizing that I've been pushing Him away. And that by intentionally writing a blog or journal doesn't mean that I'm actually following Him. I forgot what it was like to allow God into my conversations and everyday activities. I forgot how much I missed Him. And I forgot how my light used to shine.
But He is faithful. I can't all of a sudden feel better in a day, but I know that this is a step in the right direction. My heart is more at peace now. I think this level in my singleness wasn't something I expected. I didn't know that I could be in such an intimate relationship with Jesus that I would miss not only Him, but also who I am with Him. It is very encouraging.
On a final note, I've made a list of goals/desires of my heart. So I'll share them:
I want to go where I will never be far from Jesus.
I want to work in a profession that constantly points me to God and carries out His plans.
I want to go to Church and be changed by the Holy Spirit.
I want to be surrounded by people who make me cry because they asked the right question.
I want to be refined and grow continually as Jesus' bride for the rest of my life.
I want to live somewhere, where I'll be challenged and not complacent.
I want to marry someone who is a man after God's own heart, who will grow me and inspire me to pursue Jesus, and who will also raise children with the same passion and sincerity.
I want to not be afraid of something new, but have confidence in Christ.
I want to not worry about what I can't do, but find peace in knowing I can't do it all.
I want my desires to be God's desires.
I want to be with Him forever.
