Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid my heart will break-
and all these million shattered pieces can't reconnect to see the world I once saw.
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of what I'll discover-
how that will challenge everything I know,
everything I hold onto.
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of leaving this ignorance only to enter into this wrestling-
this seemingly endless struggle.
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that the guilt will be too much-
that the shame would lie to deep-
that the despair will never end.
Quest begin.
As tears wet this page, I realize that the crisis doesn't lie all around me, but within me.
"Don't poke my bubble. Don't push too far. Don't look too deep."
I'm afraid of what you'll discover.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Temptation: An Alluring False Promise
It seems so good. Everything will be made right if you just give in. No other action could fulfill you like this. You will be happier. Just give in. Don't worry, God will forgive you. It's just this tiny little thing. But it can make a world of difference. You can't stop now.
Those convincing arguments of temptation ring so loudly in my ears that the only escape always seems to be to give in. I know God doesn't want me to, but those other words keep pressing and pressing. I feel like I am in a one-way tunnel, pushed by some invisible force to keep walking closer and closer to the edge, and I can't turn back. Then those whispers of happiness and fulfillment start to make sense and I find myself no longer forced to the edge, but running towards it.
I take that leap of faith, jumping fully off the edge into what looked light the greatest joy I could attain. But the joy turns into a dark abyss. I am no longer in a peaceful place, but a nightmare. Guilt, regret, shame overwhelm my whole being. My heart sinks down, so heavy from the burden of my sins. And I'm trapped.
If God were to stand next to me right now, I would turn my face away in embarrassment. How could I face Him after I have failed? How could I take his grace and forgiveness for granted? Why am I so stupid?! I could study for 5 hours straight and wake up at 4 in the morning everyday. I have discipline and control, but for some reason no matter what I do I keep falling short in this. Why can't I control this?
And then He reminds me. I can't. No amount of will power or self discipline could have gotten me out of temptation. Only God. Only He whose has truly overpowered the darkness could pull me out now. I thought I could regulate my time of watching t.v. and replace it with quiet times and devotionals. I thought I could limit contact with my ex who pulls me closer to lust. I thought that if I could fix these things in my life, then I would be fine. But I can't.
Out of the dark walls of my solitude and shame, I hear a voice (different from before). It doesn't sound like it's trying to convince me to believe, it just exists as truth. And I hear it saying, "I love you."
I love you?...Love me? To love me would be impossible if He knew who I truly was. If He saw how many times I fail and can't control my own body. But I hear it again. "I love you."
And then I remember who I am. I am a child of God. Adopted and not abandoned, despite my brokenness. Relieved and forgiven. Because of His grace and love and truth, He is. Because of His grace and love and truth, I am.
We are not traitors for accepting His forgiveness of our sins. The shame and regret are not from God. They are used as traps to wall ourselves off from God. We don't have to feel the weight of our sin and shame because Jesus already did.
We live in redemption. And even though we all stumble, God doesn't. And He adopts us knowing we are on a journey of transformation and understanding His grace and truth. He knows.
So when we wake up after being scammed by those false promises of temptation, we know there are true promises of forgiveness and life waiting for us. Even more so, we know that the one-way tunnel towards sin does not exist. It was abolished by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He saves us. So let's rely on His strength to get us out of there.
Those convincing arguments of temptation ring so loudly in my ears that the only escape always seems to be to give in. I know God doesn't want me to, but those other words keep pressing and pressing. I feel like I am in a one-way tunnel, pushed by some invisible force to keep walking closer and closer to the edge, and I can't turn back. Then those whispers of happiness and fulfillment start to make sense and I find myself no longer forced to the edge, but running towards it.
I take that leap of faith, jumping fully off the edge into what looked light the greatest joy I could attain. But the joy turns into a dark abyss. I am no longer in a peaceful place, but a nightmare. Guilt, regret, shame overwhelm my whole being. My heart sinks down, so heavy from the burden of my sins. And I'm trapped.
If God were to stand next to me right now, I would turn my face away in embarrassment. How could I face Him after I have failed? How could I take his grace and forgiveness for granted? Why am I so stupid?! I could study for 5 hours straight and wake up at 4 in the morning everyday. I have discipline and control, but for some reason no matter what I do I keep falling short in this. Why can't I control this?
And then He reminds me. I can't. No amount of will power or self discipline could have gotten me out of temptation. Only God. Only He whose has truly overpowered the darkness could pull me out now. I thought I could regulate my time of watching t.v. and replace it with quiet times and devotionals. I thought I could limit contact with my ex who pulls me closer to lust. I thought that if I could fix these things in my life, then I would be fine. But I can't.
Out of the dark walls of my solitude and shame, I hear a voice (different from before). It doesn't sound like it's trying to convince me to believe, it just exists as truth. And I hear it saying, "I love you."
I love you?...Love me? To love me would be impossible if He knew who I truly was. If He saw how many times I fail and can't control my own body. But I hear it again. "I love you."
And then I remember who I am. I am a child of God. Adopted and not abandoned, despite my brokenness. Relieved and forgiven. Because of His grace and love and truth, He is. Because of His grace and love and truth, I am.
We are not traitors for accepting His forgiveness of our sins. The shame and regret are not from God. They are used as traps to wall ourselves off from God. We don't have to feel the weight of our sin and shame because Jesus already did.
We live in redemption. And even though we all stumble, God doesn't. And He adopts us knowing we are on a journey of transformation and understanding His grace and truth. He knows.
So when we wake up after being scammed by those false promises of temptation, we know there are true promises of forgiveness and life waiting for us. Even more so, we know that the one-way tunnel towards sin does not exist. It was abolished by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He saves us. So let's rely on His strength to get us out of there.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Day 105: Singleness: A New Perspective
My closest friends can testify that I can be very legalistic sometimes (especially concerning my temptations and struggles in faith). I try to prevent harm by making very strict rules (much like a pharisee), and then try not to disrupt this "ideal world" I created. But the truth is that this is not the "ideal world". And I didn't account for the times when I broke the rules. In my system, there is no grace. But in God's plan, there is. How beautiful is that!
I've started to reflect on my singleness in God as the 6 months of my commitment are almost up. I wonder, "What if God calls me out of singleness earlier or much much later or never?" I didn't account for this in my plan. So part of me wanted to say about the first situation, "NO! I will stick out these 6 months and people are just going to have to wait!" (like there are any people waiting, hahah). But I forget to account for God's sovereignty and will in my life. hmmmm...sounds familiar.
When making commitments or expressing the desires of our hearts, we must always take into account God. HE (not us) knows what is truly best for us. The best may not be what we thought was good for us. Like failing OChem or starting a relationship or living single forever. I may not think those things are good for me, and I may even try to prevent all of them. But God's sovereignty and wisdom trumps my rules and wishes.
When I speak of God's sovereignty and will in my life, mercy and love must be included. We do not believe in a God who enjoys messing up our lives for his enjoyment. We believe in a God who created us and desires to see us grow in a way that will build us up and not break us down. To accept God's sovereignty is to accept God's character as a loving Father who knows best. That love can be tough love too! When we disobey Him or run away from Him, He is patient and forgiving--but there is also a limit to His grace. Our God is not to be messed with.
And that includes me making my rules. It is not about the length of time or number of lessons learned. Singleness is a gift to grow in relationship with Jesus. So I will take every year and day and second that I can, and thank God for His blessings. I commit not to a number of days, but rather to a trust relationship with God. Wherever He leads me, I will go (including my singleness). And I will hold onto this new perspective because He is good. He is so good to me.
I've started to reflect on my singleness in God as the 6 months of my commitment are almost up. I wonder, "What if God calls me out of singleness earlier or much much later or never?" I didn't account for this in my plan. So part of me wanted to say about the first situation, "NO! I will stick out these 6 months and people are just going to have to wait!" (like there are any people waiting, hahah). But I forget to account for God's sovereignty and will in my life. hmmmm...sounds familiar.
When making commitments or expressing the desires of our hearts, we must always take into account God. HE (not us) knows what is truly best for us. The best may not be what we thought was good for us. Like failing OChem or starting a relationship or living single forever. I may not think those things are good for me, and I may even try to prevent all of them. But God's sovereignty and wisdom trumps my rules and wishes.
When I speak of God's sovereignty and will in my life, mercy and love must be included. We do not believe in a God who enjoys messing up our lives for his enjoyment. We believe in a God who created us and desires to see us grow in a way that will build us up and not break us down. To accept God's sovereignty is to accept God's character as a loving Father who knows best. That love can be tough love too! When we disobey Him or run away from Him, He is patient and forgiving--but there is also a limit to His grace. Our God is not to be messed with.
And that includes me making my rules. It is not about the length of time or number of lessons learned. Singleness is a gift to grow in relationship with Jesus. So I will take every year and day and second that I can, and thank God for His blessings. I commit not to a number of days, but rather to a trust relationship with God. Wherever He leads me, I will go (including my singleness). And I will hold onto this new perspective because He is good. He is so good to me.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Day 66: Wake Up Call (literally)
Do you ever have those dreams where you are trying to wake up but you can't? It's almost like a muddled mess and you can hear yourself saying, "wake up, wake up. Let's get out of here!" But even though you struggle and shake yourself, it doesn't happen. Then doubt comes into your mind that it actually isn't a dream but a very twisted reality. After more struggle and one desperate attempt you finally wake up, relieved and confused about what just happened. And you hope to never have that dream again.
I keep having those.
And it's almost as if each time the dream usually starts out about something good: family, dance, the orphanage in China that we visited...But then a fog of doubt and evil intentions comes out of nowhere to taint it all. And it never gets resolved because I keep waking up.
But this last time was different. Instead of me shaking myself awake, I was helped somehow. In the dream, I was overcome with anxiety about wasting my summer on television, sleep, video games, and excuses in the form of "I don't feel like it." The reality I was going to wake up to was so heavily weighing down on me that I didn't want to wake up. Summer is ending, which means I'm running out of time on dental applications and DAT studying. And even though it would be better to attack those tasks, I desperately want to avoid it. I wanted to listen to the voice that said "I deserve this break" and "It feels good to rest", even though I physically didn't need that rest at all. I lost the battle to resist those lies the first few times. But then a stronger voice of truth told me, "WAKE UP!"
I not only sat up in bed, but walked straight out of that room.
There are times when we can be so blinded by doubt, fear, and anxiety that we get trapped in a twisted dream. In that dream, Satan plays with reality by telling you to "do what feels right" because you "deserve it". In that dream, it may seem as if you are winning but when you get to the finish line you realize how much you have been loosing. The lies to keep us in that dream are very convincing and play to our heart's desires in a way that gets us to the prize faster, easier...only to take more away.
It's time to WAKE UP! Not by our own will or self-discipline, but by God. He is the truth that we need to hear!
I've been muddling my way around this summer, doubting the gifts He has given and the vision for ministry. It is easy to listen to those fears and deny God's plan especially when it comes from Godly people. But God cannot be quieted down.
When we have doubt or fear, it doesn't mean we are weak...just that we are human. But we cannot forget or deny who God is and how He has chosen us. I needed that reminder. My responsibilities and to do list may seem overwhelming (and it is on my own). But we are not alone. And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Nothing.
I keep having those.
And it's almost as if each time the dream usually starts out about something good: family, dance, the orphanage in China that we visited...But then a fog of doubt and evil intentions comes out of nowhere to taint it all. And it never gets resolved because I keep waking up.
But this last time was different. Instead of me shaking myself awake, I was helped somehow. In the dream, I was overcome with anxiety about wasting my summer on television, sleep, video games, and excuses in the form of "I don't feel like it." The reality I was going to wake up to was so heavily weighing down on me that I didn't want to wake up. Summer is ending, which means I'm running out of time on dental applications and DAT studying. And even though it would be better to attack those tasks, I desperately want to avoid it. I wanted to listen to the voice that said "I deserve this break" and "It feels good to rest", even though I physically didn't need that rest at all. I lost the battle to resist those lies the first few times. But then a stronger voice of truth told me, "WAKE UP!"
I not only sat up in bed, but walked straight out of that room.
There are times when we can be so blinded by doubt, fear, and anxiety that we get trapped in a twisted dream. In that dream, Satan plays with reality by telling you to "do what feels right" because you "deserve it". In that dream, it may seem as if you are winning but when you get to the finish line you realize how much you have been loosing. The lies to keep us in that dream are very convincing and play to our heart's desires in a way that gets us to the prize faster, easier...only to take more away.
It's time to WAKE UP! Not by our own will or self-discipline, but by God. He is the truth that we need to hear!
I've been muddling my way around this summer, doubting the gifts He has given and the vision for ministry. It is easy to listen to those fears and deny God's plan especially when it comes from Godly people. But God cannot be quieted down.
"Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created."
James 1:16-18
When we have doubt or fear, it doesn't mean we are weak...just that we are human. But we cannot forget or deny who God is and how He has chosen us. I needed that reminder. My responsibilities and to do list may seem overwhelming (and it is on my own). But we are not alone. And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Nothing.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Day 29: Apology Letter
I found myself crying. I didn't know where this emotional response was coming from, only that I was having it. It was an unexpected response to an email from a good friend, whose light was shinning even from the text of her message.
Her words reminded me of the relationship that I was deeply longing for, one that I had been missing since I came home for the summer. I felt the words in my heart, "I miss You." It wasn't like missing family or a friend or even a boyfriend. It was like missing someone completely connected to oneself and missing myself at the same time. I was missing Jesus.
It's a strange revelation to miss someone who has been present the entire time and one who I still tell people I'm in a relationship with. But over time (only a month) I've been slipping away from Him. Even on this intentional journey to seek Jesus out as my husband, I found myself getting distracted by television, food, family, video games, studies...and justifying my indulgent behavior with "I deserve it". I knew that I was growing apart from Him, but every time I tried to go back I would not "feel" like it. Satan's plan of throwing me back into complacency was working...until God sent me a friend.
I think Hanna's email woke up in me a disgust for the person I was becoming. I hated living a fake life of happiness. I missed my community, joy and purpose, motivation to get up in the morning, sincerity and compassion, tears when someone asked the right question, and just a wanting to read God's word to pursue Him.
So I wrote an apology letter to God, realizing that I've been pushing Him away. And that by intentionally writing a blog or journal doesn't mean that I'm actually following Him. I forgot what it was like to allow God into my conversations and everyday activities. I forgot how much I missed Him. And I forgot how my light used to shine.
But He is faithful. I can't all of a sudden feel better in a day, but I know that this is a step in the right direction. My heart is more at peace now. I think this level in my singleness wasn't something I expected. I didn't know that I could be in such an intimate relationship with Jesus that I would miss not only Him, but also who I am with Him. It is very encouraging.
On a final note, I've made a list of goals/desires of my heart. So I'll share them:
Her words reminded me of the relationship that I was deeply longing for, one that I had been missing since I came home for the summer. I felt the words in my heart, "I miss You." It wasn't like missing family or a friend or even a boyfriend. It was like missing someone completely connected to oneself and missing myself at the same time. I was missing Jesus.
It's a strange revelation to miss someone who has been present the entire time and one who I still tell people I'm in a relationship with. But over time (only a month) I've been slipping away from Him. Even on this intentional journey to seek Jesus out as my husband, I found myself getting distracted by television, food, family, video games, studies...and justifying my indulgent behavior with "I deserve it". I knew that I was growing apart from Him, but every time I tried to go back I would not "feel" like it. Satan's plan of throwing me back into complacency was working...until God sent me a friend.
I think Hanna's email woke up in me a disgust for the person I was becoming. I hated living a fake life of happiness. I missed my community, joy and purpose, motivation to get up in the morning, sincerity and compassion, tears when someone asked the right question, and just a wanting to read God's word to pursue Him.
So I wrote an apology letter to God, realizing that I've been pushing Him away. And that by intentionally writing a blog or journal doesn't mean that I'm actually following Him. I forgot what it was like to allow God into my conversations and everyday activities. I forgot how much I missed Him. And I forgot how my light used to shine.
But He is faithful. I can't all of a sudden feel better in a day, but I know that this is a step in the right direction. My heart is more at peace now. I think this level in my singleness wasn't something I expected. I didn't know that I could be in such an intimate relationship with Jesus that I would miss not only Him, but also who I am with Him. It is very encouraging.
On a final note, I've made a list of goals/desires of my heart. So I'll share them:
I want to go where I will never be far from Jesus.
I want to work in a profession that constantly points me to God and carries out His plans.
I want to go to Church and be changed by the Holy Spirit.
I want to be surrounded by people who make me cry because they asked the right question.
I want to be refined and grow continually as Jesus' bride for the rest of my life.
I want to live somewhere, where I'll be challenged and not complacent.
I want to marry someone who is a man after God's own heart, who will grow me and inspire me to pursue Jesus, and who will also raise children with the same passion and sincerity.
I want to not be afraid of something new, but have confidence in Christ.
I want to not worry about what I can't do, but find peace in knowing I can't do it all.
I want my desires to be God's desires.
I want to be with Him forever.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Day 15: Let Go, Let God
I've always had a problem with other people leading me. Whether in dance, school projects, small group, or relationships, I knew that the only way things would get done is if I did it. But that mentality left me overwhelmed and overburdened. I couldn't handle everything by myself! And worrying about every detail was not going to fix everything.
Audrey has lovingly reminded me about letting go and letting God. But it wasn't until this morning that I relistened to the song "Let Go" by Dewayne Woods.
The chorus goes like this:
When I listened to this song during sophomore year, I didn't see the immediate results of God redeeming my failures. But I trusted that He would. So what did I know then, that I forgot now?
I think I realized that even though I so desire my plans to line up with God's, His are much bigger than mine. I can't expect Him to reveal His promises before I put my full trust in Him.
This isn't about God crushing our hopes and dreams, rather it is God acknowledging our desires and then blessing us with something better! Maybe I have a desire to be a dentist, a wife, and a mother someday. It is not wrong for me to want those things even if it is not in God's plans in the end. It would be wrong of me to demand them, not trusting that God knows better. When I recognize my desires and then give them to God, knowing that He doesn't have to provide them, I trust Him to do the rest.
One thing that the dental application does really well is push you to really understand why you want to be a dentist. It isn't about impressing the admissions board or giving vague optimistic answers. It truly asks if you have a legitimate passion for dentistry and all that it encompasses. So after talking to my buddies, I needed to pray about my passions and what they are.
My prayer goes like this:
Lord, teach me how to trust You. Help me to not worry about the future and the plans. Instead of focusing on the unknown, turn my mind to learning more about You and who I am in You. You know me better than I know me. You know my strengths, weaknesses, potential, passions...So I ask that You reveal to me what those are. And through this discovery of myself, please give me guidance on my career path.
Let Go. Let God.
Audrey has lovingly reminded me about letting go and letting God. But it wasn't until this morning that I relistened to the song "Let Go" by Dewayne Woods.
The chorus goes like this:
As soon as I stop worrying
Worrying how the story ends
I'll let go and I let God
Let God have His way
That's when things start happening
I'll stop looking at back then
I let go and I'll let God have His way
When I listened to this song during sophomore year, I didn't see the immediate results of God redeeming my failures. But I trusted that He would. So what did I know then, that I forgot now?
I think I realized that even though I so desire my plans to line up with God's, His are much bigger than mine. I can't expect Him to reveal His promises before I put my full trust in Him.
Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
This isn't about God crushing our hopes and dreams, rather it is God acknowledging our desires and then blessing us with something better! Maybe I have a desire to be a dentist, a wife, and a mother someday. It is not wrong for me to want those things even if it is not in God's plans in the end. It would be wrong of me to demand them, not trusting that God knows better. When I recognize my desires and then give them to God, knowing that He doesn't have to provide them, I trust Him to do the rest.
One thing that the dental application does really well is push you to really understand why you want to be a dentist. It isn't about impressing the admissions board or giving vague optimistic answers. It truly asks if you have a legitimate passion for dentistry and all that it encompasses. So after talking to my buddies, I needed to pray about my passions and what they are.
My prayer goes like this:
Lord, teach me how to trust You. Help me to not worry about the future and the plans. Instead of focusing on the unknown, turn my mind to learning more about You and who I am in You. You know me better than I know me. You know my strengths, weaknesses, potential, passions...So I ask that You reveal to me what those are. And through this discovery of myself, please give me guidance on my career path.
Let Go. Let God.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Day 12: Praise Him
I haven't written in a while because 1. My good friend, Audrey reminded me that blogging everyday might be too much; and 2. God has been speaking to me, and I think I just needed to wrestle with it on my own. I learned this year that sometimes God gives us gifts that are just meant to be for our eyes and hearts only. It is quite precious.
But lately I have been feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, stressed, and bitter. Dental applications started this week, DAT studying went down the drain, and I just indulged in everything my sinful nature desired. I was angry at myself for giving in and angry at God for not giving me direction for my future. I felt listless and unhappy. But part of my frustration was not dealing with the frustration! I was being very passive aggressive: sleeping instead of talking to God about how I felt.
My Pacs 3 professor reminded me that it is biblical to wrestle with God. Much like Jacob or even David (expressing through poetry), we can express how we feel. God is Lord. He can handle it. And sometimes we just need to vent (also a reminder from Audrey). So I blew up at God, and I realized how selfish I was being.
I am blessed beyond what I need. Yes, God listens to our frustrations because it is real. But in light of God, I realized that those personal frustrations are so small. Hahaha I've probably learned this lesson a billion times. And each time it hits home.
Psalm 13 expresses David's frustration and response so well:
David isn't bipolar. He (like the rest of us) realizes who actually is winning the war, God. Even with all of this commotion, I trust in You, God, because You are unfailing love. And I rejoice in who You are, my Savior! I will praise You, for I am blessed beyond measure.
But lately I have been feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, stressed, and bitter. Dental applications started this week, DAT studying went down the drain, and I just indulged in everything my sinful nature desired. I was angry at myself for giving in and angry at God for not giving me direction for my future. I felt listless and unhappy. But part of my frustration was not dealing with the frustration! I was being very passive aggressive: sleeping instead of talking to God about how I felt.
My Pacs 3 professor reminded me that it is biblical to wrestle with God. Much like Jacob or even David (expressing through poetry), we can express how we feel. God is Lord. He can handle it. And sometimes we just need to vent (also a reminder from Audrey). So I blew up at God, and I realized how selfish I was being.
I am blessed beyond what I need. Yes, God listens to our frustrations because it is real. But in light of God, I realized that those personal frustrations are so small. Hahaha I've probably learned this lesson a billion times. And each time it hits home.
Psalm 13 expresses David's frustration and response so well:
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord
for he has been good to me.
David isn't bipolar. He (like the rest of us) realizes who actually is winning the war, God. Even with all of this commotion, I trust in You, God, because You are unfailing love. And I rejoice in who You are, my Savior! I will praise You, for I am blessed beyond measure.
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