Day 29: Apology Letter

I found myself crying. I didn't know where this emotional response was coming from, only that I was having it. It was an unexpected response to an email from a good friend, whose light was shinning even from the text of her message.

Her words reminded me of the relationship that I was deeply longing for, one that I had been missing since I came home for the summer. I felt the words in my heart, "I miss You." It wasn't like missing family or a friend or even a boyfriend. It was like missing someone completely connected to oneself and missing myself at the same time. I was missing Jesus.

It's a strange revelation to miss someone who has been present the entire time and one who I still tell people I'm in a relationship with. But over time (only a month) I've been slipping away from Him. Even on this intentional journey to seek Jesus out as my husband, I found myself getting distracted by television, food, family, video games, studies...and justifying my indulgent behavior with "I deserve it". I knew that I was growing apart from Him, but every time I tried to go back I would not "feel" like it. Satan's plan of throwing me back into complacency was working...until God sent me a friend.

I think Hanna's email woke up in me a disgust for the person I was becoming. I hated living a fake life of happiness. I missed my community, joy and purpose, motivation to get up in the morning, sincerity and compassion, tears when someone asked the right question, and just a wanting to read God's word to pursue Him.

So I wrote an apology letter to God, realizing that I've been pushing Him away. And that by intentionally writing a blog or journal doesn't mean that I'm actually following Him. I forgot what it was like to allow God into my conversations and everyday activities. I forgot how much I missed Him. And I forgot how my light used to shine.

But He is faithful. I can't all of a sudden feel better in a day, but I know that this is a step in the right direction. My heart is more at peace now. I think this level in my singleness wasn't something I expected. I didn't know that I could be in such an intimate relationship with Jesus that I would miss not only Him, but also who I am with Him. It is very encouraging.

On a final note, I've made a list of goals/desires of my heart. So I'll share them:

I want to go where I will never be far from Jesus.
I want to work in a profession that constantly points me to God and carries out His plans.
I want to go to Church and be changed by the Holy Spirit.
I want to be surrounded by people who make me cry because they asked the right question.
I want to be refined and grow continually as Jesus' bride for the rest of my life.
I want to live somewhere, where I'll be challenged and not complacent.
I want to marry someone who is a man after God's own heart, who will grow me and inspire me to pursue Jesus, and who will also raise children with the same passion and sincerity.
I want to not be afraid of something new, but have confidence in Christ.
I want to not worry about what I can't do, but find peace in knowing I can't do it all.
I want my desires to be God's desires.
I want to be with Him forever.

Day 15: Let Go, Let God

I've always had a problem with other people leading me. Whether in dance, school projects, small group, or relationships, I knew that the only way things would get done is if I did it. But that mentality left me overwhelmed and overburdened. I couldn't handle everything by myself! And worrying about every detail was not going to fix everything.

Audrey has lovingly reminded me about letting go and letting God. But it wasn't until this morning that I relistened to the song "Let Go" by Dewayne Woods.

The chorus goes like this:

As soon as I stop worrying
Worrying how the story ends
I'll let go and I let God
Let God have His way
That's when things start happening
I'll stop looking at back then
I let go and I'll let God have His way

When I listened to this song during sophomore year, I didn't see the immediate results of God redeeming my failures. But I trusted that He would. So what did I know then, that I forgot now?

I think I realized that even though I so desire my plans to line up with God's, His are much bigger than mine. I can't expect Him to reveal His promises before I put my full trust in Him.

Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

This isn't about God crushing our hopes and dreams, rather it is God acknowledging our desires and then blessing us with something better! Maybe I have a desire to be a dentist, a wife, and a mother someday. It is not wrong for me to want those things even if it is not in God's plans in the end. It would be wrong of me to demand them, not trusting that God knows better. When I recognize my desires and then give them to God, knowing that He doesn't have to provide them, I trust Him to do the rest.

One thing that the dental application does really well is push you to really understand why you want to be a dentist. It isn't about impressing the admissions board or giving vague optimistic answers. It truly asks if you have a legitimate passion for dentistry and all that it encompasses. So after talking to my buddies, I needed to pray about my passions and what they are.

My prayer goes like this:
Lord, teach me how to trust You. Help me to not worry about the future and the plans. Instead of focusing on the unknown, turn my mind to learning more about You and who I am in You. You know me better than I know me. You know my strengths, weaknesses, potential, passions...So I ask that You reveal to me what those are. And through this discovery of myself, please give me guidance on my career path.

Let Go. Let God.

Day 12: Praise Him

I haven't written in a while because 1. My good friend, Audrey reminded me that blogging everyday might be too much; and 2. God has been speaking to me, and I think I just needed to wrestle with it on my own. I learned this year that sometimes God gives us gifts that are just meant to be for our eyes and hearts only. It is quite precious.

But lately I have been feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, stressed, and bitter. Dental applications started this week, DAT studying went down the drain, and I just indulged in everything my sinful nature desired. I was angry at myself for giving in and angry at God for not giving me direction for my future. I felt listless and unhappy. But part of my frustration was not dealing with the frustration! I was being very passive aggressive: sleeping instead of talking to God about how I felt.

My Pacs 3 professor reminded me that it is biblical to wrestle with God. Much like Jacob or even David (expressing through poetry), we can express how we feel. God is Lord. He can handle it. And sometimes we just need to vent (also a reminder from Audrey). So I blew up at God, and I realized how selfish I was being.

I am blessed beyond what I need. Yes, God listens to our frustrations because it is real. But in light of God, I realized that those personal frustrations are so small. Hahaha I've probably learned this lesson a billion times. And each time it hits home.

Psalm 13 expresses David's frustration and response so well:

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord
for he has been good to me.

David isn't bipolar. He (like the rest of us) realizes who actually is winning the war, God. Even with all of this commotion, I trust in You, God, because You are unfailing love. And I rejoice in who You are, my Savior! I will praise You, for I am blessed beyond measure.

Day 5: In Christ Alone

God is amazing! How great and vast are His plans are for us!

For about a year I have been praying for God to reveal the source of my feelings of guilt and shame. It sparked after getting prayer ministry for failing OChem. Looking back, God has preparing me for that answer for such a long time. At SALT, an Intervarsity Christian Fellowship arts conference, I received prayer through movement. It was one of the most personal ways God has spoken to me as a dancer and as His child. I needed that initiation to pursue Jesus on a personal level. From there I received prayer ministry, slowly unveiling the symptoms of my shame. And each time I felt an unburdening of my guilt, but something still lingered.

It wasn't until the past couple of days that God opened my eyes to a source of my shame: my Asian American culture. Honestly, I have never felt "Asian" enough as a third or fourth generation Asian American. I never felt Asian enough, American enough, Chinese enough or Japanese enough. I thought that I didn't deal with Asian American issues because I couldn't even relate to that culture. But God has been changing my perspective completely!

This semester a couple of us attended the APA conference, an Intervarsity Christian Fellowship conference for Asian Americans. One of the speakers mentioned that even though we may be American citizens, our culture is deeply ingrained in who we are. Now my parents don't act like stereotypical Asian American parents. But somehow they still pass down values, traditions, and sins. Just because I felt so distant from my Asian roots, didn't mean I was immune to those issues.

One way that my Asian American culture influenced me was how I related to God. I treated God like my Asian dad. He was to be respected, honored, revered, feared, and never disappointed. If I failed Him in some way, I deserved shame and abandonment. I set up these extreme goals for myself so that I could prevent myself from disappointing Him. I could fail my parents, teachers, friends, but I couldn't fail God. But in setting up these goals and commitments, I was setting myself up for failure. I wasn't allowing disappointment, so when I did mess up, I crashed even harder. And when I crashed, I didn't deserve grace or forgiveness. This explains why I felt so distant from Jesus. If I grew closer to Him, the harder it would hurt when I failed Him.

But those are lies. God revealed four truths to me today:

1. He can't be put in a box (including culturally). He is truth. He is Lord. He goes beyond human culture and made a new kingdom.
2. He has called me beautiful, chosen, and beloved.
3. I will fail and disappoint Him. Nothing I do can prevent me from that. But that's ok-Jesus came to heal the sick and not the healthy.
4. Jesus is grace, mercy, and forgiveness. He paid it all. Nothing can nullify His sacrifice! So I repent and accept.

In my dreams last night the song, In Christ Alone kept playing. I needed that reminder of who Jesus is and who I am in Him. Satan will do everything he can to mess with those four truths. But there is victory! And He invites us into that.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

Day 3: Wooing through Song

Sometimes we don't know how much God is using us to bless our friends, family, and even strangers. I think my friend didn't know how much I needed to hear the lyrics to the song she wrote for me. For my graduation, she gave me a USB with a song she wrote to encourage my walk with God.

Even though it's been 2 weeks since graduation, the song has pierced my heart in the deepest way possible. It is truly inspired by the Holy Spirit and EXACTLY what I needed to here right now. Here are the lyrics:

I'm reaching up to You Lord.
I want to feel you near.
I feel that every time that I disappoint You,
You accept me for who I am.
And this is all I have to offer You:
my spirit, my talents, my all.
I want to touch You.
I want to feel You.
I want to walk right next to You.

I want to live for You
I want to live for You, my Lord.
I want to live for You
I want to live for You, my King.

What does it mean to live for You, to die for You, my King?
What does it mean to love You first, to love You first always?
What does it mean to live for You, to die for You, my King?
What does it mean to love You first, to love You first, my God?

I want to live for You.
I want to live for You, my KIng.
I want to live for You
I want to live for You, my Lord.
I want to live for You.
I want to live for You, my KIng.
I want to live for You
I want to live for You, my Lord.

Let that be the prayer of my heart: I want to live for You, my Jesus.

Day 2: All Dressed Up and No Where to Go

So I woke up this morning very unmotivated. I felt ugly all over...I think it was a result of not getting my work done yesterday, biting my nails, and giving into watching tv. I had committed to fasting from television for a year, but then the call of watching the Bachelorette drew me in. It wasn't even worth it.

There's something about sleep that our family uses to cope with problems we don't want to face. It is a passive way of handling things. Instead of waking up and starting over, I'll just sleep it off. Maybe It'll go away in the morning...but it rarely doesn't.

I finally got out of bed and determined to face what was bugging me, I decided to go on a date w/ God. Now this was going to be full out: nice dress, curled hair, makeup w/ double the mascara, and a nice pesto pasta lunch. I was determined to make my day better by getting dressed up for an exciting event. But something strange happened as I put on the makeup. I didn't feel any more beautiful. Yes, I looked different, but I still was angry at myself...disappointed.

I was reminded of Elijah after he witnessed God's amazing power in 1 Kings 18:16-46. How magnificent and encouraging would it be to be Elijah! God is Lord! But after the threat came upon his life, he ran. He even prayed that he might die. And like our family, he fell asleep. Even after all that he witnessed, Elijah was still a man. And like all humans, we are swayed so easily by our sinful nature.

I think I so desire the freedom that Jesus offers, that I try to fix my problems on my own. I hate this law at work in me that causes me to falter and forget who I am in God. But by trying to FIX my life, I'm taking Jesus' place as Savior. It is not according to my standards that I am saved. And thankfully it is not, because I would not have even spared myself! He saves. I need to get out of the way, so that I can accept God's mercy.

Yes, I repent and ask for forgiveness. But I can't be harder on myself than God is. It is not my place. Funny how false humility is still pride. And pride has no place in God's kingdom.

So I'm going to redo my date with Jesus. I'm going to wear my regular clothes and wash my face. And I'm going to listen and accept his forgiveness...even if it is more than enough.

Day 1: Be Still

Do you ever have those days when everything seems to be bigger than you can handle? The waves of life seem to grow bigger and bigger before it finally consumes you completely. Well, today the waves came in the form of my unknown future: applying for dental school, studying for DATs, ministry, small group leading, going to China, facing out of comfort zone experiences. I know in my head that God has a plan and He is in control. But the uncertainty and doubt of it all just overwhelmed me.

This is when I read Jesus calling his disciples in Luke 5:1-11. How many times did we go over this passage? It must have been at least five during my role as a small group leader for JBC. And as I read how Jesus calmed Simon Peter down and gave him a new purpose to fish for men, I was reminded of Peter's other water experience. In Matthew 14:22-33, Jesus walks on water and the disciples are scared, but Jesus says, "It is I. Don't be afraid." Peter joins Him, but seeing the wind, becomes afraid and starts to sink. In Exodus when Moses is called by God, he asks "Who am I?". God responds with, "I will be with you." He also says later "I AM WHO I AM."

It wasn't about what I could do as a small group leader or student. It isn't about what I can do now or later as a dentist or minister. He is.

"I am."

So when the waves of doubt, fear, sin, shame, and guilt are rising up, I am not alone. You are not alone. I need to be reminded that I have a Maker who will never leave me nor forsake me.

Jesus gave me this image of me in the water with all of these waves crashing and rising up against me. But Jesus is in front of me with His hand outstretched. And so I take it. His grip is strong and He pulls me out of the water. With the other hand, He calms the waves. And we stand with his arms wrapped around me, just holding me.

My Jesus is Lord over even the biggest of waves.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God
-Still by Hillsong

I will be still and know You are God.