Sometimes I feel like I am getting in the way of myself.
Not enough this
Not enough that
But fully both and all
What does that even mean?
How can I literally embody two separate cultures, but consciously none?
I want to be more __(blank):__
gentle, perfect, quiet, gracious, soft
But I feel more __(blank):__
loud, rude, pushy, demanding
Quiet strength broken down by Tiger Moms and Gmas
To lose face or save face
That is the question
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Slow to anger
slow to anger
That means you still get angry right?
Somehow that concept always made me think of burying your anger. Hide your frustration and hurt. Don't acknowledge the pain and injustice.
I first started realizing this after the Japanese Internment Camp exhibit in the Oakland museum. So much pain. No acknowledgement. Move on. Prove you belong.
There was no lament. There still isn't
So I realize that maybe my slow reactions are Japanese American- bred from generations of 'push it down' 'don't fight' 'let it be'. Don't be unsettled by someone else's offense.
It's this facade of calm and serenity with a neglect of raw reaction and lament. Am I continuing cycles of injustice by neglecting the lament? Am I letting the white man walk all over us again by having grace and forgiveness?
slow to anger. quick to forgive.
Who is repenting? And why does it always have to be me?
That means you still get angry right?
Somehow that concept always made me think of burying your anger. Hide your frustration and hurt. Don't acknowledge the pain and injustice.
I first started realizing this after the Japanese Internment Camp exhibit in the Oakland museum. So much pain. No acknowledgement. Move on. Prove you belong.
There was no lament. There still isn't
So I realize that maybe my slow reactions are Japanese American- bred from generations of 'push it down' 'don't fight' 'let it be'. Don't be unsettled by someone else's offense.
It's this facade of calm and serenity with a neglect of raw reaction and lament. Am I continuing cycles of injustice by neglecting the lament? Am I letting the white man walk all over us again by having grace and forgiveness?
slow to anger. quick to forgive.
Who is repenting? And why does it always have to be me?
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Healing.
The never-ending journey of finding freedom.
Freedom in Sexuality- as an Asian American woman
Freedom in owning my gender as very good
Freedom in healing from past injustices
Freedom in eyes being opened too soon, desires being
satiated too early, fantasies being realized before their time
Freedom in receiving the forgiveness that is given
Freedom in owning the grace of new life
Freedom in hopeful journeys of renewed experiences
“See, I am doing something new”
It has been seven years since that night. It has been 3
years since that relationship. It has been 3 months since this new thing. And
yet I feel it. I am burdened and wounded and raw. Where years and time have eased
the blow, prayer and confession have reduced the scar. But the scar still
remains and the memories still persist and the attachment still manifests in
dreams and recollections.
What does freedom look
like? Is there such a thing as complete
healing?
The question of my life.
The trust in God’s promises.
The hope for something better.
What plagues our people and gender is something to be
lamented for. What is exploited and heralded should be shamed and condemned. I
cry, “Freedom for our mothers! Freedom for our sisters! Freedom for our daughters!
Freedom for…me”
What does freedom look
like? Is there such a thing as complete
healing?
“It’s a girl, and that is very good.” –Kathy Khang, More than Serving Tea
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Village Ashes
This is a piece for BayUP about our work site, based on stories and words we heard from the children. We presented this to our friends and family on Visitors' Day.
Village Ashes
Ashes.
I live in the shelter, but I am homeless.
Can I trust you?
Can I tell you my real name?
We enter into the Ashes- ready, eager, excited.
Where are the children?
What can we do?
But we are met with- Disappointment. Distance. Mistrust.
We are rebuilding our lives.
Can't you see it?
From the Ashes we emerge- more guarded than before.
Don't you understand?
But why do you have to sit in the Ashes?
Why did these things happen to you?
Why are the odds against you?
This isn't right.
I want to fix this.
I want to defend you.
Layers upon layers of brokenness.
Systems upon systems of injustice.
What will happen to these fatherless children?
Who will restore their stolen childhoods?
Smiles
Glimpses into life
Stories. Games. Real names.
True identities.
We will let you into our family
Small goals in Big Systems
Real Hope in Greater Understanding
Resiliency in the Journey
Belief in the Future
Prayers for the Potential
Rising from the ashes, I see life and restored hope.
Rising from the ashes, I see tremendous potential and weighty choices.
Rising from the ashes, I see small goals and tangible ways to love.
Earth to Earth,
Ashes to Ashes,
Dust to Dust.
I die to my quick fixes and critical lenses.
And I rise with the Ashes,
to find home...in The Village.
Monday, August 12, 2013
BayUP Day 47: Staff Debrief
I've changed. I know it.
The world that I once knew and lived comfortably in is now a hostile environment- exposed dissonance everywhere. How do I give honor and credibility without exploitation and sexification? How do I communicate mutual conversion without charity?
I fear the silence of my voice with the weight of these lessons and truths.
This summer, I learned about God and justice. But could I even do this experience justice?
Lord, help me not to forget:
the necessity of lamenting
the beauty of perseverance
the hope of dreamers
the cost of resilience
the dignity of voiceless
the responsibility of privileged
the faces of oppressed
the need for change
If Shalom is to be brought to this city- then bring it.
If systems are to be overthrown- then do it.
If lives are to be forever changed- then change it.
If justice is to be our narrative- then send me. send us.
Believe in Oakland.
Believe in the hope- that God is big enough
Believe in the trust- that these pearls are never wasted.
Believe in the truth- that God has more for us beyond this summer.
Messy. Untidied. Incomplete.
Shalom to this city.
The world that I once knew and lived comfortably in is now a hostile environment- exposed dissonance everywhere. How do I give honor and credibility without exploitation and sexification? How do I communicate mutual conversion without charity?
I fear the silence of my voice with the weight of these lessons and truths.
This summer, I learned about God and justice. But could I even do this experience justice?
Lord, help me not to forget:
the necessity of lamenting
the beauty of perseverance
the hope of dreamers
the cost of resilience
the dignity of voiceless
the responsibility of privileged
the faces of oppressed
the need for change
If Shalom is to be brought to this city- then bring it.
If systems are to be overthrown- then do it.
If lives are to be forever changed- then change it.
If justice is to be our narrative- then send me. send us.
Believe in Oakland.
Believe in the hope- that God is big enough
Believe in the trust- that these pearls are never wasted.
Believe in the truth- that God has more for us beyond this summer.
Messy. Untidied. Incomplete.
Shalom to this city.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
God made me mixed and He made me mixed up
Raw
Pain unspoken
Unrecognized
Jesus, I'm broken and it's still raw. She's dark already?! Filipino, Chinese, Hawaiian, Vietnamese You're not really Japanese. We don't want mono-racial people there. Right side Japanese, left side Chinese. Prove that you belong. Don't mess up everything we have worked for. Wear stripes to make your skin lighter. Do you speak? You're the reason my language is dying.
What are you?! Not enough.
Doubts can force us to sidestep pain- coping, but not really healing.
"There's no pain so cutting,
No battle as in vain
As the constant battle
to avoid the pain" - Justin McRoberts
Loneliness
I don't belong to either group. I don't feel whole because they lower their expectations of me. I'm torn between 4 worlds, looking for 1 home. Not even other mixed people can fully understand and know my experiences and pain. I will always feel unknown.
Tension of privilege and rejection leads to isolation and loneliness, leaving us powerless.
I'm looking for affirmation and acceptance. I'm afraid that this place- even this safe place will reject me too. Then who will identify with me? Who will understand my pain? Who will walk with me on this journey to wholeness?
Do I have to prove that I'm mixed enough?
Welcome Home
We have a choice to invite God into our whole ethnicity and pain.
Invitation. Invitation into my pain, life, and mixed experiences. Invitation into full healing, understanding, acceptance. Invitation to be fully known by the Father who created me- the one who intentionally made me this way. It wasn't a mistake. It wasn't random. It is beautiful.
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
Forgiveness
Healing
Letting go
Letting go of holding onto pain to prove that I belong here. Releasing my parents from the expectations that they should've known. Forgiving them for the misunderstanding turned rejection. Accepting the Yonsei experience of being cut off from a culture. Lamenting a nation's history of racism and injustice that shamed, hated, and forced my family to forget. Crying for the brothers who just want to be one- to choose even at the sacrifice of the other. Repenting of using a relationship to feel whole- to be white instead of half. Recognizing the fears of bringing these pains and brokenness to all relationships- to never being known even in the closest intimacy. Combatting lies with truth that loneliness and pain don't have to remain.
I believe God can heal me. I believe God sees me whole- fully me. Japanese and Chinese, He created me. In His image, I was created. Fully both.
After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb.
When we stand in front of our maker at the end of the Ages, I will be mixed.
Pain unspoken
Unrecognized
Jesus, I'm broken and it's still raw. She's dark already?! Filipino, Chinese, Hawaiian, Vietnamese You're not really Japanese. We don't want mono-racial people there. Right side Japanese, left side Chinese. Prove that you belong. Don't mess up everything we have worked for. Wear stripes to make your skin lighter. Do you speak? You're the reason my language is dying.
What are you?! Not enough.
Doubts can force us to sidestep pain- coping, but not really healing.
"There's no pain so cutting,
No battle as in vain
As the constant battle
to avoid the pain" - Justin McRoberts
Loneliness
I don't belong to either group. I don't feel whole because they lower their expectations of me. I'm torn between 4 worlds, looking for 1 home. Not even other mixed people can fully understand and know my experiences and pain. I will always feel unknown.
Tension of privilege and rejection leads to isolation and loneliness, leaving us powerless.
I'm looking for affirmation and acceptance. I'm afraid that this place- even this safe place will reject me too. Then who will identify with me? Who will understand my pain? Who will walk with me on this journey to wholeness?
Do I have to prove that I'm mixed enough?
Welcome Home
We have a choice to invite God into our whole ethnicity and pain.
Invitation. Invitation into my pain, life, and mixed experiences. Invitation into full healing, understanding, acceptance. Invitation to be fully known by the Father who created me- the one who intentionally made me this way. It wasn't a mistake. It wasn't random. It is beautiful.
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
Forgiveness
Healing
Letting go
Letting go of holding onto pain to prove that I belong here. Releasing my parents from the expectations that they should've known. Forgiving them for the misunderstanding turned rejection. Accepting the Yonsei experience of being cut off from a culture. Lamenting a nation's history of racism and injustice that shamed, hated, and forced my family to forget. Crying for the brothers who just want to be one- to choose even at the sacrifice of the other. Repenting of using a relationship to feel whole- to be white instead of half. Recognizing the fears of bringing these pains and brokenness to all relationships- to never being known even in the closest intimacy. Combatting lies with truth that loneliness and pain don't have to remain.
I believe God can heal me. I believe God sees me whole- fully me. Japanese and Chinese, He created me. In His image, I was created. Fully both.
After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb.
When we stand in front of our maker at the end of the Ages, I will be mixed.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Too Close to Home
I come home after a night of games with grown up friends in Stockton, to find this: shattered glass next to a car I don't recognize. Is this what I think it is? Whose car is this?
I go into 'ok I think I should do something about this' mode. Ring the downstairs doorbell. Call Lauren. Should I call the cops? Why aren't they answering? Katherine isn't home. Should I knock on the neighbor's door. What time is it?
When I see 2 people walking down the street- students. Maybe drunk. One guy carrying a skateboard, and another carrying a Commerce street sign. Oh great, really?!
They find their car window smashed and something taken from the back seat. And with a stolen street sign in their hand, they call the police...oh Stockton. oh Pacific students.
Part of me doesn't know what to think. This is normal, this happens here. They could have been smarter- they probably left something in the back seat to steal. They deserved it. Should I have done more? Even if the victim was a thief, should I have intervened? I went up the stairs, slightly appalled and confused.
This is my home space. This is where I park my car. This could have been me. When does the fear of not feeling safe in your home affect you? What do you do when sometimes you feel helpless? I don't want to write this off because it wasn't my car or my house. My best friend reminded me that I don't have to. Validated in this being too close to home.
In the daytime, with a roommate back from home- safer, apathetic, distancing...still
.JPG)
I go into 'ok I think I should do something about this' mode. Ring the downstairs doorbell. Call Lauren. Should I call the cops? Why aren't they answering? Katherine isn't home. Should I knock on the neighbor's door. What time is it?
When I see 2 people walking down the street- students. Maybe drunk. One guy carrying a skateboard, and another carrying a Commerce street sign. Oh great, really?!
They find their car window smashed and something taken from the back seat. And with a stolen street sign in their hand, they call the police...oh Stockton. oh Pacific students.
Part of me doesn't know what to think. This is normal, this happens here. They could have been smarter- they probably left something in the back seat to steal. They deserved it. Should I have done more? Even if the victim was a thief, should I have intervened? I went up the stairs, slightly appalled and confused.
This is my home space. This is where I park my car. This could have been me. When does the fear of not feeling safe in your home affect you? What do you do when sometimes you feel helpless? I don't want to write this off because it wasn't my car or my house. My best friend reminded me that I don't have to. Validated in this being too close to home.
In the daytime, with a roommate back from home- safer, apathetic, distancing...still
.JPG)
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Preparing for Urbana
1 of 3 voices. I am 1 of 3 Asian voices out of a team of 20-
going to be heard and seen through words and movement on stage at Urbana. It is
both an honor and a great responsibility.
It wasn’t until a conversation with my mom that I started to
realize the weight of this position. When
we go to these conferences, we look for people who look like us. Like us.
Because when we see people like us- in front, on stage,
speaking, acting, dancing…it means something more. It means we can do likewise.
It means we can be heard. It means someone is representing our voice. Giving
permission to speak, to externalize what’s inside. It means others feel the
same way. It means God knows. God knows and understands us.
So when Kim, a Vietnamese Candian, and Min-Soo, a Korean
Canadian are on stage. They are representing me too, a Japanese and Chinese
American. Every time they make people laugh, cry, sing, dance, see God through
their art…they are representing us.
Our voices on center stage at Urbana.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Epiphany in Repentance
Funny how going through Mark 1 for the 3rd time reminds me of lessons I should have learned the 1st time. I guess it sinks in more when you actually teach something.
So we wrote the definition on the board: repentance means to turn 180 degrees. I knew that the 1st time. But the 2nd year I learned that repentance was more than just being sorry. King Herod tried that but he never fully took the next step of turning. Now today after the 3rd time, I realized that I haven't turned the complete 180 degrees. Somewhere in the middle I got stuck (past the sorry part but not past the despair). I thought I would never learn my lesson if I moved on quickly- that somehow by letting go of this weight of my guilt and shame that I would sin again (as if I could control my desire for holiness by reminding me of my failings).
But God taught me today that to complete the turn (turning away from sin) I must turn towards Him. Jesus doesn't leave us in despair and self-hatred. He ends w/ hope and freedom. I have been denying my hope and freedom because I thought that's what repentance was. No! Confession and repentance have power through Jesus' sacrifice- He rose from the dead to give new life and hope. Repentance is hope.
Complete the turn. Find freedom.
So we wrote the definition on the board: repentance means to turn 180 degrees. I knew that the 1st time. But the 2nd year I learned that repentance was more than just being sorry. King Herod tried that but he never fully took the next step of turning. Now today after the 3rd time, I realized that I haven't turned the complete 180 degrees. Somewhere in the middle I got stuck (past the sorry part but not past the despair). I thought I would never learn my lesson if I moved on quickly- that somehow by letting go of this weight of my guilt and shame that I would sin again (as if I could control my desire for holiness by reminding me of my failings).
But God taught me today that to complete the turn (turning away from sin) I must turn towards Him. Jesus doesn't leave us in despair and self-hatred. He ends w/ hope and freedom. I have been denying my hope and freedom because I thought that's what repentance was. No! Confession and repentance have power through Jesus' sacrifice- He rose from the dead to give new life and hope. Repentance is hope.
Complete the turn. Find freedom.
Friday, March 16, 2012
The Day After
I now know why I felt so far from you. I did it.
Self-inflicted, completely conscious disobedience.
Sin- selfishly choosing away from You to please myself.
But I do not feel pleasure. I'm left alone and disappointed, wondering was that worth chasing after?
To choose sin is to push myself farther from the Perfect You.
To feel the consequences of despair and abandonment.
To become numb to the voice calling me back to You, as I run farther and farther away.
Forget.
Do not remember.
Dive deeper into this grave I've made for myself. Let me suffocate in the earth. Let me waste away besides the rocks and worms. No one will have to bury me after. My tears will water the plants above and I will sleep deep in the darkness.
Good night.
Chosen
My eyes fly open.
Beloved
Oxygen fills my lungs.
Known
I look around the abyss for the source: a small light overhead blinding, but mesmerizing.
Worthy
I find my arms pulling me upwards, past the rocks, worms, roots...higher and higher with my heart quickening and my lungs filling more easily.
I break the surface and feel the warmth of the light.
Daughter, I've been looking for you and calling out your name. Why are you covered in mud when I have determined to make you clean? Remember and never forget how much I love you, how much I delight in you.
I turn around to see the man behind me, running. And even though he is from a long way off, I can hear Him panting, sandals slapping the dirt beneath. I'm thrown off balance as He throws His arms around me and kisses me on the head.
Natalie, you're home
Self-inflicted, completely conscious disobedience.
Sin- selfishly choosing away from You to please myself.
But I do not feel pleasure. I'm left alone and disappointed, wondering was that worth chasing after?
To choose sin is to push myself farther from the Perfect You.
To feel the consequences of despair and abandonment.
To become numb to the voice calling me back to You, as I run farther and farther away.
Forget.
Do not remember.
Dive deeper into this grave I've made for myself. Let me suffocate in the earth. Let me waste away besides the rocks and worms. No one will have to bury me after. My tears will water the plants above and I will sleep deep in the darkness.
Good night.
Chosen
My eyes fly open.
Beloved
Oxygen fills my lungs.
Known
I look around the abyss for the source: a small light overhead blinding, but mesmerizing.
Worthy
I find my arms pulling me upwards, past the rocks, worms, roots...higher and higher with my heart quickening and my lungs filling more easily.
I break the surface and feel the warmth of the light.
Daughter, I've been looking for you and calling out your name. Why are you covered in mud when I have determined to make you clean? Remember and never forget how much I love you, how much I delight in you.
I turn around to see the man behind me, running. And even though he is from a long way off, I can hear Him panting, sandals slapping the dirt beneath. I'm thrown off balance as He throws His arms around me and kisses me on the head.
Natalie, you're home
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Rhetorical Questions
Dear Grandpa and Grandma,
How did you do it? How did you pave this road for your family, for your people? How did you stay silent when anger is so justified? What shame did you feel? How did you suffer? How could you not be hurt by the country you belonged to-the only country you knew? How did you lug that one suitcase-everything you could carry?
What if I let you down? What if I mess up everything- everything you worked so hard to achieve? I've gotten good at acting white- adapting the way I act so they wouldn't notice that I'm different, so they think I belong, so they could have a good opinion of us.
But now I'm being told to embrace who I am. Stop adapting, start sharing. They tell me that God made us specifically this way. Asian. But something inside me hurts to think this way. It unravels everything you did!
Would you be proud of me if I were to fully embody being Japanese, Chinese? Would you want me to embrace this culture? Or would you be afraid too? Afraid I'll be rejected or labeled. Afraid people won't love me for who I am. Afraid that it's still too soon.
This summer, a white man asked me how I learned to speak English so well. How did I learn to speak English so well?! My grandparents and great grandma were born here. My family has been here for 120+ years. Both my grandparents fought for this country in WWII. My parents only speak English. I am on avg 3rd generation. I was born here. I grew up here. I've been to China once. Japan zero. I root for USA in the Olympics. I am a natural born American citizen. So how did I learn to speak English so well?...
Maybe wait another 120 more years.
How did you do it? How did you pave this road for your family, for your people? How did you stay silent when anger is so justified? What shame did you feel? How did you suffer? How could you not be hurt by the country you belonged to-the only country you knew? How did you lug that one suitcase-everything you could carry?
What if I let you down? What if I mess up everything- everything you worked so hard to achieve? I've gotten good at acting white- adapting the way I act so they wouldn't notice that I'm different, so they think I belong, so they could have a good opinion of us.
But now I'm being told to embrace who I am. Stop adapting, start sharing. They tell me that God made us specifically this way. Asian. But something inside me hurts to think this way. It unravels everything you did!
Would you be proud of me if I were to fully embody being Japanese, Chinese? Would you want me to embrace this culture? Or would you be afraid too? Afraid I'll be rejected or labeled. Afraid people won't love me for who I am. Afraid that it's still too soon.
This summer, a white man asked me how I learned to speak English so well. How did I learn to speak English so well?! My grandparents and great grandma were born here. My family has been here for 120+ years. Both my grandparents fought for this country in WWII. My parents only speak English. I am on avg 3rd generation. I was born here. I grew up here. I've been to China once. Japan zero. I root for USA in the Olympics. I am a natural born American citizen. So how did I learn to speak English so well?...
Maybe wait another 120 more years.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Date with God
I was looking through my old journal entries and found this lovely piece from April 4, 2011:
Anticipation.
As i get ready to meet you today, I get excited about the prospect of our conversations, Your approving smile, Your loving embrace.
My heartbeat quickens as I imagine You sitting, waiting for me to join You.
What will we talk about today?
What new discoveries will I make about Your character, about Your love for me?
This time is precious to me.
This time is precious to us.
I love talking to You because I don't have to worry about my thoughts and feelings getting lost in the translation. I love how the more I seek You, the more You reveal Yourself to me. No holding back. No fears or insecurities. Complete intimacy.
So let's have the difficult conversations, let me tell You how I really feel. No secrets, no lies, no indirect hints and stabs. Just the truth. Deep breath.
Anticipation.
As i get ready to meet you today, I get excited about the prospect of our conversations, Your approving smile, Your loving embrace.
My heartbeat quickens as I imagine You sitting, waiting for me to join You.
What will we talk about today?
What new discoveries will I make about Your character, about Your love for me?
This time is precious to me.
This time is precious to us.
I love talking to You because I don't have to worry about my thoughts and feelings getting lost in the translation. I love how the more I seek You, the more You reveal Yourself to me. No holding back. No fears or insecurities. Complete intimacy.
So let's have the difficult conversations, let me tell You how I really feel. No secrets, no lies, no indirect hints and stabs. Just the truth. Deep breath.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Chump This!
I am a chump.
(In Luke 10, Jesus sends out these "chumps" or 72 others to carry out His mission in places He intended to go.)
I am a chump. Plain and simple. No special walking on water powers or magical staffs or multiplying fish and loaves. I am just me, with all of my brokenness, insecurities, doubts, failures...If anyone could be called a chump, it would be me: Chumpiest Chump Chumpity. So why does God choose to send chumps (me) not in spite of the chump-like qualities, but because of the chump-like qualities? Because then stuff like tonight's small group could happen.
We expected a similar small group to last week, 9 people willing to give an hour of their time to hang out with us and learn about Jesus. Ha! So dorming started off later than usual, but with more road bumps: Bio test on Friday, Psych test tomorrow, essays, homework, friends...And on top of that a student wanted to use the lounge for a study session. We agreed to go to the basement, where people only visit to do their laundry and maybe risk using that old microwave. But we were determined to still have small group. When it came time to gather people from the lounge to the basement, 1 student followed. One. Ralph and I consisted of more than half the small group! I was disappointed. Ralph was disappointed. We expected big things from God, and one of those was numbers. But we started anyways. I was leading, which means that my stress and anxiety are pretty high already. Eventually 2 more people came, and then the most amazing thing happened. God moved!!!!
I've never had a small group like it. Conversations flowed naturally from every person in the group. I think the longest pause for silence was 3 seconds max. My questions made sense and the students connected it to their lives and experiences. The first observation was even connected to Fidel Castro. Scripture came alive. People were honest and vulnerable. No waiting for OIA or answering questions in order or for that matter at all. It was the most organic small group I've ever been in!
God really changed our expectations for a good small group tonight. It's not about the numbers or the best questions or the perfect order. God can make beautiful and good out of chaos and honesty. I was honest with God right before small group in recognizing my chumpness. It wasn't going to be my abilities or giftings to get us through that small group. It had to be Him. It always is. So tonight I took my own teaching point to heart: In our weakness, God is strong. God is more than enough for all the chumps of the world. ;) And I am proud to be one of them, just as He created. Chump that!
(In Luke 10, Jesus sends out these "chumps" or 72 others to carry out His mission in places He intended to go.)
I am a chump. Plain and simple. No special walking on water powers or magical staffs or multiplying fish and loaves. I am just me, with all of my brokenness, insecurities, doubts, failures...If anyone could be called a chump, it would be me: Chumpiest Chump Chumpity. So why does God choose to send chumps (me) not in spite of the chump-like qualities, but because of the chump-like qualities? Because then stuff like tonight's small group could happen.
We expected a similar small group to last week, 9 people willing to give an hour of their time to hang out with us and learn about Jesus. Ha! So dorming started off later than usual, but with more road bumps: Bio test on Friday, Psych test tomorrow, essays, homework, friends...And on top of that a student wanted to use the lounge for a study session. We agreed to go to the basement, where people only visit to do their laundry and maybe risk using that old microwave. But we were determined to still have small group. When it came time to gather people from the lounge to the basement, 1 student followed. One. Ralph and I consisted of more than half the small group! I was disappointed. Ralph was disappointed. We expected big things from God, and one of those was numbers. But we started anyways. I was leading, which means that my stress and anxiety are pretty high already. Eventually 2 more people came, and then the most amazing thing happened. God moved!!!!
I've never had a small group like it. Conversations flowed naturally from every person in the group. I think the longest pause for silence was 3 seconds max. My questions made sense and the students connected it to their lives and experiences. The first observation was even connected to Fidel Castro. Scripture came alive. People were honest and vulnerable. No waiting for OIA or answering questions in order or for that matter at all. It was the most organic small group I've ever been in!
God really changed our expectations for a good small group tonight. It's not about the numbers or the best questions or the perfect order. God can make beautiful and good out of chaos and honesty. I was honest with God right before small group in recognizing my chumpness. It wasn't going to be my abilities or giftings to get us through that small group. It had to be Him. It always is. So tonight I took my own teaching point to heart: In our weakness, God is strong. God is more than enough for all the chumps of the world. ;) And I am proud to be one of them, just as He created. Chump that!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
StockDip 2011: Reflections on Shalom (or lack there of)
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid my heart will break-
and all these million shattered pieces can't reconnect to see the world I once saw.
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of what I'll discover-
how that will challenge everything I know,
everything I hold onto.
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of leaving this ignorance only to enter into this wrestling-
this seemingly endless struggle.
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that the guilt will be too much-
that the shame would lie to deep-
that the despair will never end.
Quest begin.
As tears wet this page, I realize that the crisis doesn't lie all around me, but within me.
"Don't poke my bubble. Don't push too far. Don't look too deep."
I'm afraid of what you'll discover.
I'm afraid my heart will break-
and all these million shattered pieces can't reconnect to see the world I once saw.
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of what I'll discover-
how that will challenge everything I know,
everything I hold onto.
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of leaving this ignorance only to enter into this wrestling-
this seemingly endless struggle.
Jesus, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that the guilt will be too much-
that the shame would lie to deep-
that the despair will never end.
Quest begin.
As tears wet this page, I realize that the crisis doesn't lie all around me, but within me.
"Don't poke my bubble. Don't push too far. Don't look too deep."
I'm afraid of what you'll discover.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Temptation: An Alluring False Promise
It seems so good. Everything will be made right if you just give in. No other action could fulfill you like this. You will be happier. Just give in. Don't worry, God will forgive you. It's just this tiny little thing. But it can make a world of difference. You can't stop now.
Those convincing arguments of temptation ring so loudly in my ears that the only escape always seems to be to give in. I know God doesn't want me to, but those other words keep pressing and pressing. I feel like I am in a one-way tunnel, pushed by some invisible force to keep walking closer and closer to the edge, and I can't turn back. Then those whispers of happiness and fulfillment start to make sense and I find myself no longer forced to the edge, but running towards it.
I take that leap of faith, jumping fully off the edge into what looked light the greatest joy I could attain. But the joy turns into a dark abyss. I am no longer in a peaceful place, but a nightmare. Guilt, regret, shame overwhelm my whole being. My heart sinks down, so heavy from the burden of my sins. And I'm trapped.
If God were to stand next to me right now, I would turn my face away in embarrassment. How could I face Him after I have failed? How could I take his grace and forgiveness for granted? Why am I so stupid?! I could study for 5 hours straight and wake up at 4 in the morning everyday. I have discipline and control, but for some reason no matter what I do I keep falling short in this. Why can't I control this?
And then He reminds me. I can't. No amount of will power or self discipline could have gotten me out of temptation. Only God. Only He whose has truly overpowered the darkness could pull me out now. I thought I could regulate my time of watching t.v. and replace it with quiet times and devotionals. I thought I could limit contact with my ex who pulls me closer to lust. I thought that if I could fix these things in my life, then I would be fine. But I can't.
Out of the dark walls of my solitude and shame, I hear a voice (different from before). It doesn't sound like it's trying to convince me to believe, it just exists as truth. And I hear it saying, "I love you."
I love you?...Love me? To love me would be impossible if He knew who I truly was. If He saw how many times I fail and can't control my own body. But I hear it again. "I love you."
And then I remember who I am. I am a child of God. Adopted and not abandoned, despite my brokenness. Relieved and forgiven. Because of His grace and love and truth, He is. Because of His grace and love and truth, I am.
We are not traitors for accepting His forgiveness of our sins. The shame and regret are not from God. They are used as traps to wall ourselves off from God. We don't have to feel the weight of our sin and shame because Jesus already did.
We live in redemption. And even though we all stumble, God doesn't. And He adopts us knowing we are on a journey of transformation and understanding His grace and truth. He knows.
So when we wake up after being scammed by those false promises of temptation, we know there are true promises of forgiveness and life waiting for us. Even more so, we know that the one-way tunnel towards sin does not exist. It was abolished by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He saves us. So let's rely on His strength to get us out of there.
Those convincing arguments of temptation ring so loudly in my ears that the only escape always seems to be to give in. I know God doesn't want me to, but those other words keep pressing and pressing. I feel like I am in a one-way tunnel, pushed by some invisible force to keep walking closer and closer to the edge, and I can't turn back. Then those whispers of happiness and fulfillment start to make sense and I find myself no longer forced to the edge, but running towards it.
I take that leap of faith, jumping fully off the edge into what looked light the greatest joy I could attain. But the joy turns into a dark abyss. I am no longer in a peaceful place, but a nightmare. Guilt, regret, shame overwhelm my whole being. My heart sinks down, so heavy from the burden of my sins. And I'm trapped.
If God were to stand next to me right now, I would turn my face away in embarrassment. How could I face Him after I have failed? How could I take his grace and forgiveness for granted? Why am I so stupid?! I could study for 5 hours straight and wake up at 4 in the morning everyday. I have discipline and control, but for some reason no matter what I do I keep falling short in this. Why can't I control this?
And then He reminds me. I can't. No amount of will power or self discipline could have gotten me out of temptation. Only God. Only He whose has truly overpowered the darkness could pull me out now. I thought I could regulate my time of watching t.v. and replace it with quiet times and devotionals. I thought I could limit contact with my ex who pulls me closer to lust. I thought that if I could fix these things in my life, then I would be fine. But I can't.
Out of the dark walls of my solitude and shame, I hear a voice (different from before). It doesn't sound like it's trying to convince me to believe, it just exists as truth. And I hear it saying, "I love you."
I love you?...Love me? To love me would be impossible if He knew who I truly was. If He saw how many times I fail and can't control my own body. But I hear it again. "I love you."
And then I remember who I am. I am a child of God. Adopted and not abandoned, despite my brokenness. Relieved and forgiven. Because of His grace and love and truth, He is. Because of His grace and love and truth, I am.
We are not traitors for accepting His forgiveness of our sins. The shame and regret are not from God. They are used as traps to wall ourselves off from God. We don't have to feel the weight of our sin and shame because Jesus already did.
We live in redemption. And even though we all stumble, God doesn't. And He adopts us knowing we are on a journey of transformation and understanding His grace and truth. He knows.
So when we wake up after being scammed by those false promises of temptation, we know there are true promises of forgiveness and life waiting for us. Even more so, we know that the one-way tunnel towards sin does not exist. It was abolished by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He saves us. So let's rely on His strength to get us out of there.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Day 105: Singleness: A New Perspective
My closest friends can testify that I can be very legalistic sometimes (especially concerning my temptations and struggles in faith). I try to prevent harm by making very strict rules (much like a pharisee), and then try not to disrupt this "ideal world" I created. But the truth is that this is not the "ideal world". And I didn't account for the times when I broke the rules. In my system, there is no grace. But in God's plan, there is. How beautiful is that!
I've started to reflect on my singleness in God as the 6 months of my commitment are almost up. I wonder, "What if God calls me out of singleness earlier or much much later or never?" I didn't account for this in my plan. So part of me wanted to say about the first situation, "NO! I will stick out these 6 months and people are just going to have to wait!" (like there are any people waiting, hahah). But I forget to account for God's sovereignty and will in my life. hmmmm...sounds familiar.
When making commitments or expressing the desires of our hearts, we must always take into account God. HE (not us) knows what is truly best for us. The best may not be what we thought was good for us. Like failing OChem or starting a relationship or living single forever. I may not think those things are good for me, and I may even try to prevent all of them. But God's sovereignty and wisdom trumps my rules and wishes.
When I speak of God's sovereignty and will in my life, mercy and love must be included. We do not believe in a God who enjoys messing up our lives for his enjoyment. We believe in a God who created us and desires to see us grow in a way that will build us up and not break us down. To accept God's sovereignty is to accept God's character as a loving Father who knows best. That love can be tough love too! When we disobey Him or run away from Him, He is patient and forgiving--but there is also a limit to His grace. Our God is not to be messed with.
And that includes me making my rules. It is not about the length of time or number of lessons learned. Singleness is a gift to grow in relationship with Jesus. So I will take every year and day and second that I can, and thank God for His blessings. I commit not to a number of days, but rather to a trust relationship with God. Wherever He leads me, I will go (including my singleness). And I will hold onto this new perspective because He is good. He is so good to me.
I've started to reflect on my singleness in God as the 6 months of my commitment are almost up. I wonder, "What if God calls me out of singleness earlier or much much later or never?" I didn't account for this in my plan. So part of me wanted to say about the first situation, "NO! I will stick out these 6 months and people are just going to have to wait!" (like there are any people waiting, hahah). But I forget to account for God's sovereignty and will in my life. hmmmm...sounds familiar.
When making commitments or expressing the desires of our hearts, we must always take into account God. HE (not us) knows what is truly best for us. The best may not be what we thought was good for us. Like failing OChem or starting a relationship or living single forever. I may not think those things are good for me, and I may even try to prevent all of them. But God's sovereignty and wisdom trumps my rules and wishes.
When I speak of God's sovereignty and will in my life, mercy and love must be included. We do not believe in a God who enjoys messing up our lives for his enjoyment. We believe in a God who created us and desires to see us grow in a way that will build us up and not break us down. To accept God's sovereignty is to accept God's character as a loving Father who knows best. That love can be tough love too! When we disobey Him or run away from Him, He is patient and forgiving--but there is also a limit to His grace. Our God is not to be messed with.
And that includes me making my rules. It is not about the length of time or number of lessons learned. Singleness is a gift to grow in relationship with Jesus. So I will take every year and day and second that I can, and thank God for His blessings. I commit not to a number of days, but rather to a trust relationship with God. Wherever He leads me, I will go (including my singleness). And I will hold onto this new perspective because He is good. He is so good to me.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Day 66: Wake Up Call (literally)
Do you ever have those dreams where you are trying to wake up but you can't? It's almost like a muddled mess and you can hear yourself saying, "wake up, wake up. Let's get out of here!" But even though you struggle and shake yourself, it doesn't happen. Then doubt comes into your mind that it actually isn't a dream but a very twisted reality. After more struggle and one desperate attempt you finally wake up, relieved and confused about what just happened. And you hope to never have that dream again.
I keep having those.
And it's almost as if each time the dream usually starts out about something good: family, dance, the orphanage in China that we visited...But then a fog of doubt and evil intentions comes out of nowhere to taint it all. And it never gets resolved because I keep waking up.
But this last time was different. Instead of me shaking myself awake, I was helped somehow. In the dream, I was overcome with anxiety about wasting my summer on television, sleep, video games, and excuses in the form of "I don't feel like it." The reality I was going to wake up to was so heavily weighing down on me that I didn't want to wake up. Summer is ending, which means I'm running out of time on dental applications and DAT studying. And even though it would be better to attack those tasks, I desperately want to avoid it. I wanted to listen to the voice that said "I deserve this break" and "It feels good to rest", even though I physically didn't need that rest at all. I lost the battle to resist those lies the first few times. But then a stronger voice of truth told me, "WAKE UP!"
I not only sat up in bed, but walked straight out of that room.
There are times when we can be so blinded by doubt, fear, and anxiety that we get trapped in a twisted dream. In that dream, Satan plays with reality by telling you to "do what feels right" because you "deserve it". In that dream, it may seem as if you are winning but when you get to the finish line you realize how much you have been loosing. The lies to keep us in that dream are very convincing and play to our heart's desires in a way that gets us to the prize faster, easier...only to take more away.
It's time to WAKE UP! Not by our own will or self-discipline, but by God. He is the truth that we need to hear!
I've been muddling my way around this summer, doubting the gifts He has given and the vision for ministry. It is easy to listen to those fears and deny God's plan especially when it comes from Godly people. But God cannot be quieted down.
When we have doubt or fear, it doesn't mean we are weak...just that we are human. But we cannot forget or deny who God is and how He has chosen us. I needed that reminder. My responsibilities and to do list may seem overwhelming (and it is on my own). But we are not alone. And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Nothing.
I keep having those.
And it's almost as if each time the dream usually starts out about something good: family, dance, the orphanage in China that we visited...But then a fog of doubt and evil intentions comes out of nowhere to taint it all. And it never gets resolved because I keep waking up.
But this last time was different. Instead of me shaking myself awake, I was helped somehow. In the dream, I was overcome with anxiety about wasting my summer on television, sleep, video games, and excuses in the form of "I don't feel like it." The reality I was going to wake up to was so heavily weighing down on me that I didn't want to wake up. Summer is ending, which means I'm running out of time on dental applications and DAT studying. And even though it would be better to attack those tasks, I desperately want to avoid it. I wanted to listen to the voice that said "I deserve this break" and "It feels good to rest", even though I physically didn't need that rest at all. I lost the battle to resist those lies the first few times. But then a stronger voice of truth told me, "WAKE UP!"
I not only sat up in bed, but walked straight out of that room.
There are times when we can be so blinded by doubt, fear, and anxiety that we get trapped in a twisted dream. In that dream, Satan plays with reality by telling you to "do what feels right" because you "deserve it". In that dream, it may seem as if you are winning but when you get to the finish line you realize how much you have been loosing. The lies to keep us in that dream are very convincing and play to our heart's desires in a way that gets us to the prize faster, easier...only to take more away.
It's time to WAKE UP! Not by our own will or self-discipline, but by God. He is the truth that we need to hear!
I've been muddling my way around this summer, doubting the gifts He has given and the vision for ministry. It is easy to listen to those fears and deny God's plan especially when it comes from Godly people. But God cannot be quieted down.
"Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created."
James 1:16-18
When we have doubt or fear, it doesn't mean we are weak...just that we are human. But we cannot forget or deny who God is and how He has chosen us. I needed that reminder. My responsibilities and to do list may seem overwhelming (and it is on my own). But we are not alone. And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Nothing.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Day 29: Apology Letter
I found myself crying. I didn't know where this emotional response was coming from, only that I was having it. It was an unexpected response to an email from a good friend, whose light was shinning even from the text of her message.
Her words reminded me of the relationship that I was deeply longing for, one that I had been missing since I came home for the summer. I felt the words in my heart, "I miss You." It wasn't like missing family or a friend or even a boyfriend. It was like missing someone completely connected to oneself and missing myself at the same time. I was missing Jesus.
It's a strange revelation to miss someone who has been present the entire time and one who I still tell people I'm in a relationship with. But over time (only a month) I've been slipping away from Him. Even on this intentional journey to seek Jesus out as my husband, I found myself getting distracted by television, food, family, video games, studies...and justifying my indulgent behavior with "I deserve it". I knew that I was growing apart from Him, but every time I tried to go back I would not "feel" like it. Satan's plan of throwing me back into complacency was working...until God sent me a friend.
I think Hanna's email woke up in me a disgust for the person I was becoming. I hated living a fake life of happiness. I missed my community, joy and purpose, motivation to get up in the morning, sincerity and compassion, tears when someone asked the right question, and just a wanting to read God's word to pursue Him.
So I wrote an apology letter to God, realizing that I've been pushing Him away. And that by intentionally writing a blog or journal doesn't mean that I'm actually following Him. I forgot what it was like to allow God into my conversations and everyday activities. I forgot how much I missed Him. And I forgot how my light used to shine.
But He is faithful. I can't all of a sudden feel better in a day, but I know that this is a step in the right direction. My heart is more at peace now. I think this level in my singleness wasn't something I expected. I didn't know that I could be in such an intimate relationship with Jesus that I would miss not only Him, but also who I am with Him. It is very encouraging.
On a final note, I've made a list of goals/desires of my heart. So I'll share them:
Her words reminded me of the relationship that I was deeply longing for, one that I had been missing since I came home for the summer. I felt the words in my heart, "I miss You." It wasn't like missing family or a friend or even a boyfriend. It was like missing someone completely connected to oneself and missing myself at the same time. I was missing Jesus.
It's a strange revelation to miss someone who has been present the entire time and one who I still tell people I'm in a relationship with. But over time (only a month) I've been slipping away from Him. Even on this intentional journey to seek Jesus out as my husband, I found myself getting distracted by television, food, family, video games, studies...and justifying my indulgent behavior with "I deserve it". I knew that I was growing apart from Him, but every time I tried to go back I would not "feel" like it. Satan's plan of throwing me back into complacency was working...until God sent me a friend.
I think Hanna's email woke up in me a disgust for the person I was becoming. I hated living a fake life of happiness. I missed my community, joy and purpose, motivation to get up in the morning, sincerity and compassion, tears when someone asked the right question, and just a wanting to read God's word to pursue Him.
So I wrote an apology letter to God, realizing that I've been pushing Him away. And that by intentionally writing a blog or journal doesn't mean that I'm actually following Him. I forgot what it was like to allow God into my conversations and everyday activities. I forgot how much I missed Him. And I forgot how my light used to shine.
But He is faithful. I can't all of a sudden feel better in a day, but I know that this is a step in the right direction. My heart is more at peace now. I think this level in my singleness wasn't something I expected. I didn't know that I could be in such an intimate relationship with Jesus that I would miss not only Him, but also who I am with Him. It is very encouraging.
On a final note, I've made a list of goals/desires of my heart. So I'll share them:
I want to go where I will never be far from Jesus.
I want to work in a profession that constantly points me to God and carries out His plans.
I want to go to Church and be changed by the Holy Spirit.
I want to be surrounded by people who make me cry because they asked the right question.
I want to be refined and grow continually as Jesus' bride for the rest of my life.
I want to live somewhere, where I'll be challenged and not complacent.
I want to marry someone who is a man after God's own heart, who will grow me and inspire me to pursue Jesus, and who will also raise children with the same passion and sincerity.
I want to not be afraid of something new, but have confidence in Christ.
I want to not worry about what I can't do, but find peace in knowing I can't do it all.
I want my desires to be God's desires.
I want to be with Him forever.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Day 15: Let Go, Let God
I've always had a problem with other people leading me. Whether in dance, school projects, small group, or relationships, I knew that the only way things would get done is if I did it. But that mentality left me overwhelmed and overburdened. I couldn't handle everything by myself! And worrying about every detail was not going to fix everything.
Audrey has lovingly reminded me about letting go and letting God. But it wasn't until this morning that I relistened to the song "Let Go" by Dewayne Woods.
The chorus goes like this:
When I listened to this song during sophomore year, I didn't see the immediate results of God redeeming my failures. But I trusted that He would. So what did I know then, that I forgot now?
I think I realized that even though I so desire my plans to line up with God's, His are much bigger than mine. I can't expect Him to reveal His promises before I put my full trust in Him.
This isn't about God crushing our hopes and dreams, rather it is God acknowledging our desires and then blessing us with something better! Maybe I have a desire to be a dentist, a wife, and a mother someday. It is not wrong for me to want those things even if it is not in God's plans in the end. It would be wrong of me to demand them, not trusting that God knows better. When I recognize my desires and then give them to God, knowing that He doesn't have to provide them, I trust Him to do the rest.
One thing that the dental application does really well is push you to really understand why you want to be a dentist. It isn't about impressing the admissions board or giving vague optimistic answers. It truly asks if you have a legitimate passion for dentistry and all that it encompasses. So after talking to my buddies, I needed to pray about my passions and what they are.
My prayer goes like this:
Lord, teach me how to trust You. Help me to not worry about the future and the plans. Instead of focusing on the unknown, turn my mind to learning more about You and who I am in You. You know me better than I know me. You know my strengths, weaknesses, potential, passions...So I ask that You reveal to me what those are. And through this discovery of myself, please give me guidance on my career path.
Let Go. Let God.
Audrey has lovingly reminded me about letting go and letting God. But it wasn't until this morning that I relistened to the song "Let Go" by Dewayne Woods.
The chorus goes like this:
As soon as I stop worrying
Worrying how the story ends
I'll let go and I let God
Let God have His way
That's when things start happening
I'll stop looking at back then
I let go and I'll let God have His way
When I listened to this song during sophomore year, I didn't see the immediate results of God redeeming my failures. But I trusted that He would. So what did I know then, that I forgot now?
I think I realized that even though I so desire my plans to line up with God's, His are much bigger than mine. I can't expect Him to reveal His promises before I put my full trust in Him.
Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
This isn't about God crushing our hopes and dreams, rather it is God acknowledging our desires and then blessing us with something better! Maybe I have a desire to be a dentist, a wife, and a mother someday. It is not wrong for me to want those things even if it is not in God's plans in the end. It would be wrong of me to demand them, not trusting that God knows better. When I recognize my desires and then give them to God, knowing that He doesn't have to provide them, I trust Him to do the rest.
One thing that the dental application does really well is push you to really understand why you want to be a dentist. It isn't about impressing the admissions board or giving vague optimistic answers. It truly asks if you have a legitimate passion for dentistry and all that it encompasses. So after talking to my buddies, I needed to pray about my passions and what they are.
My prayer goes like this:
Lord, teach me how to trust You. Help me to not worry about the future and the plans. Instead of focusing on the unknown, turn my mind to learning more about You and who I am in You. You know me better than I know me. You know my strengths, weaknesses, potential, passions...So I ask that You reveal to me what those are. And through this discovery of myself, please give me guidance on my career path.
Let Go. Let God.
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